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Prepare for the second coming of Celine!

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We’re thrilled you’re coming back, Celine, but can you please speed it up?
Jason Decrow/AP

So here she comes again. Yes, Celine Dion is taking another crack at the Colosseum—she punches in on March 15, 2011—and she’ll probably bring down her own box-office records in doing so. In fact, if you look at dollar volume, audience numbers and international travel appeal, Celine Dion has already been more successful as a Las Vegas headliner than Elvis or the Rat Pack or Liberace combined. Those other guys are Vegas B.C. (before Celine). The new good old days are the early 2000s.

Now that Queen Celine is headed back to save the Las Vegas economy, fix our school system and replenish the water at Lake Mead, we predict that the Vegas of the future belongs to Celine impersonators and museums, Cirque tribute shows and kitschy souvenirs. The skinny French-Canadian chanteuse is shaping up to be the Vegas cliché of the future. And we have just over a year to prepare for the dawning of the next Dionysian age. Time to get busy!

Repent! Cease your blaspheming and listen up. Start with her 26-hit “essential collection,” 2008’s My Love. Learn to tolerate, if not love, her way with a song. You’ll be hearing her everywhere soon enough.

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Celine Dion
Begins March 15, 2011
The Colosseum
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Save us, Celine! (02/17/10)

Study up. If for some reason you weren’t one of the 3 million who made it to Dion’s spectacular ... A New Day at the Colosseum, you can watch it on a five-hour (!) double-DVD (packaged along with Dion’s perfume for the full sensory experience). Celine: Through the Eyes of the World, a feature-film document of her 2008-09 world tour, opened on Wednesday.

Start learning French. What if you run into her at the Forum Shops? Suggested phrases: D’où avez-vous obtenu ces chaussures? Comment votre fils est-il Rene-Charles? And (this one is riskier) Rene joue-t-il toujours?

Remake/Remodel. Caesars Palace and other Strip hotels might consider converting a chunk of space to Dion-designed rooms and suites, so Dion idolators can live the fantasy of being in her home, making sweet, soft-focus, adult-contemporary love in Celine-approved luxury.

Think différent. Start planning and building those Celine-centric peripherals: A Celine-themed restaurant (yes, she may survive on air and adoration, but you’ll still have to serve food). Celine-style shopping, drinking, gambling. Thrill rides.

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