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OJ Simpson

Give us the Juice

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Illustration: Ryan Olbrysh

On August 3, a three-judge panel from the Nevada Supreme Court will decide whether to release O.J. Simpson from prison in Northern Nevada while his appeal on kidnapping and robbery charges is being considered. We would like to encourage the judges not to send Simpson to Miami, his reported destination if he is allowed to post bond. Send him here! There are plenty of things Las Vegas can do with him:

Senior lecturer at UNLV Boyd School of Law

O.J. would add buzz to a program that already boasts associations to torture-memo writer Jay Bybee; he could teach prospective attorneys how to game the system in a course titled “If I Did It: Advanced Courtroom Techniques for Lawyers.”

All-Purpose Mascot

Just by showing up with his ever-present entourage of paparazzi, Simpson could bring much-needed attention to your strip-mall christening, arts-center groundbreaking or the opening of your $9 billion hotel-condo-retail development.

Bellhop, Palace Station

Hey, he already knows his way around the place.

Gift Shop Operator

The guy has proven he can acquire merchandise.

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