Bad news: we’re even fatter than we thought. The Public Library of Science (PLoS) just published a report saying that four out of 10 American adults currently deemed “overweight” are actually “obese.” So what are we going to do about it? Are we going to get all depressed and eat a whole box of Oreos in front of the TV? Probably! But after we do that, we’re going to deal with the situation. We’re going to head to the gym with a newfound perseverance. The question is, which gym?
For general interest exercisers, Las Vegas offers two solid options: Las Vegas Athletic Club and 24 Hour Fitness. Both clubs have multiple locations, unbeatable hours (24/7) and inexpensive rates. But maybe you’re looking for something more. Maybe your workout has grown stagnant and you need a reboot. Maybe you have many extra pounds to lose or want to become a competitive weight lifter. Or maybe you just want to get off the treadmill and into a silk yoga hammock …
Location: 10721 W. Charleston Blvd.
Specialty: Inclusiveness. This is a place for the whole family, including your whiny little toddler, whose locker, invariably, is next to mine.
Good for: People who live in Summerlin.
Coolest class: Lifepower Hot Vinyasa Yoga. This heated-room class will, allegedly, “ignite your respiratory, digestive and core furnaces.”
What to wear: Dress like a Kmart model. Look good, but not too sexy. I mentioned the kids, yes?
Pickup scene? It could be. It’s probably a good meetup spot for single parents. I can see a Brady Bunch/Biggest Loser romance blossoming here.
Special amenities: Rock-climbing wall, basketball courts, squash courts, spa, cafe, hair salon—they’ve got it all.
Cost: Membership starts at $120.95 per month.
Location: Five locations
Specialty: Powerlifting, Olympic lifting, bulking, grunting, yelling.
Good for: Dudes who are trying to up their bench by 60 pounds this summer. Good luck with that, bro.
Coolest class: MMA Conditioning.
What to wear: One of those spaghetti tank tops that says “Gold’s Gym” on it. In fact, if you belong to Gold’s or have ever belonged to Gold’s, you’ll want to wear this tank wherever you go.
Pickup scene? If you’re a woman with some muscle on you and you want to find a guy who you can’t beat up, this is the place to make it happen.
Special amenities: Tanning, women’s workout area, spinning room.
Cost: $24.99 per month plus $1 to enroll. Hard to argue with that.
Location: 321 N. Buffalo Drive
Gym specialty: Making obese people not obese.
Good for: People who have 50 pounds or more to lose. In fact, this is a requirement for membership.
Coolest class: Chris Gowens’ hour-long kickboxing class. If this doesn’t get you sweating, nothing will.
What to wear: Did I mention the sweat? Yeah, you’ll probably want to wear fabrics that breathe easily and wick moisture.
Pickup scene? No ... but once you lose your excess weight and head out to the club, somebody will probably try to pick you up.
Special amenities: Sledgehammers, tractor tires—yes, really—and all sorts of fitness equipment manufactured specifically for overweight people.
Cost: $75 per month for facility access; $300 full membership includes personal training and nutritional guidance.
Shine Alternative Fitness
Location: 6415 S. Tenaya Way, Suite 100
Specialty: Aerial classes.
Good for: People who are already in decent shape and looking to try something adventurous.
Coolest class: Honestly, they all sound cool: anti-gravity yoga, gyrotonics, aerial pole skills. And they’re all taught by current or former Cirque performers and top industry champions.
What to wear: Something that won’t get caught in the ropes.
Pickup scene? There’s a joke about sex and flexibility to be made here, but I’m going to take the high road. You’re welcome.
Special amenities: Silk yoga hammocks.
Cost: $15 for a general class and $25 for a specialty class. 20 regular classes for $200 and 20 specialty classes for $300.
Location: Tivoli Village, 410 S. Rampart, Suite 200
Specialty: Attitude, personal training, interior design.
Good for: Incredibly sexy people who are looking to get even sexier.
Coolest class: It’s a three-way tie, between Pain and Pleasure, Guns and Ass Blast.
What to wear: A shirt that’s two sizes too small for you.
Pickup scene: Yes.
Special amenities: The equipment is top-notch and it’s housed in what feels like a swank New York hotel.
Cost: A one-year contract is $129 per month, but rates might change in mid-April, so call for details.