06.30.10 · 6:40 PM

This just in: Old guy dies of old age.

Last week, the world’s best novelist died. If you know his name, it might be because one of his wonderful books, Blindness, was made into a terrible movie. I’m not crazy about this author’s personal life or some of the political comments he made, but I am crazy about his novels. He packed hot tubs of wisdom and humor into each sentence. Perhaps he was able to do that because his sentences often ran two pages long… His name, by ... Read more...

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06.28.10 · 4:22 PM

Why you should never trust sitcoms or standups.

S. moved in with me two weeks ago. Wave the green flag. Domestic life has begun. Like a lot of twentysomethings, most of my domestic life knowledge comes from standup comedians and sitcoms. Accordingly, I know that men are different from women, that marriage is difficult, and that couples fight over the bed sheets at night. From the frequency with which comedians and sitcoms discuss the sheet hogging issue, I assumed it was a problem without a solution. Like Social ... Read more...

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06.26.10 · 6:52 PM

Unhelpful parking guidelines and mysterious percentages.

1) I know I’ve picked on the Pad Thai restaurant on Rancho and Charleston recently. So before I do so again, let me mention that their food is delicious and cheap. Six bucks for a pad Thai lunch that comes with soup, salad, rice, and an egg roll. Sorry, but you just can’t beat that. Okay, back to picking on them: “SHORT TERM PARKING” isn’t helpful, guys. Short termness is relative. Will I have my car towed after ten minutes? ... Read more...

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06.25.10 · 3:12 PM

The angel of…explosions!!!

Whenever I see a musical and somebody asks me how it was, I always make the same joke: “Not enough explosions.” Well, last night I saw Phantom, The Las Vegas Spectacular at Venetian, and I’ve got to say, there were enough explosions. Phantom, The Las Vegas Spectacular, which just celebrated its 4th anniversary, is the 300 of musicals. I mean that in the best way possible. If you like special effects, if you’ve got a short attention span or even ... Read more...

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06.24.10 · 2:19 PM

When is a foot massage not a “foot massage”?

Several of the Foot Massage parlors around my house have covered up the word “MASSAGE” on their signs. “FOOT,” they now read. Why? I walked into one of the parlors and asked that question. The woman behind the counter said this: “We’re not foot massage anymore. We’re foot reflexology now.” Sounds suspicious to me. How about you? Do you believe her? And if not, what do you think the real reason for the sign cover up is? Read more...

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06.22.10 · 8:48 PM

Sorry, muffins, but you’re not fooling anybody.

Marie Callender’s on Flamingo is testing the limits of what constitutes a muffin. Triple Chocolate? Chocolate frosting? Chocolate chips? Sorry, but that’s not a muffin; that’s a cupcake. Forgive me for quoting my own book, Lawyer Boy, but I think you’ll agree it’s spot-on: “Studying in groups is fun and social, but studying isn’t supposed to be fun or social. That studying in groups is so palatable should tell you something. You know how you prefer the elliptical machine to ... Read more...

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06.21.10 · 8:09 PM

An ad hoc maturity test

Walking through the discount mall on South Las Vegas Blvd., I came across an ad hoc maturity test. Here’s how it works: if you can pass by this kiosk selling soccer jerseys without snickering or commenting, then you pass. I failed. Read more...

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06.21.10 · 1:55 PM

How not to solicit donations with candy

Look, Pad Thai restaurant on Rancho and Charleston, I don’t want to tell you how to run your “Missing Child” donation/candy box, but I feel that I have to. For the sake of the kid. If you’re going to use candy to entice customers to donate quarters, don’t have the exact same candy mix available, for no expected donation, one foot to the left. Do you want that cute little girl to stay missing, you heartless bastards? Read more...

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06.18.10 · 7:14 PM

A big, busy, waxy, loving night

Big congratulations to The Venetian improviser Wayne Brady, who, last night, worked “existential,” “obsequious” and “actuary” into a gangsta rap and got his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Busy night for the guy. I grew up watching the British Who’s Line Is It Anyway? on Comedy Central. When the show immigrated to America, I resisted. (Same way I resisted Iron Chef America.) But as the weeks went by, Brady’s talent became harder and harder to deny, and the American ... Read more...

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06.18.10 · 1:57 AM

You know you’ve been in Vegas too long when you can’t tell whether you’re at a porn convention.

The most shocking thing about last week’s Hard Rock’s XFANZ Outdoor Porn Expo was how much it resembled any other afternoon at a Vegas casino pool. I’m not saying XFANZ wasn’t sufficiently pornographic—it was; there were over 100 starlets in attendance—I’m saying XFANZ revealed, by comparison, how pornified the Vegas pool party scene has truly become. Not that I’m complaining… “The purpose of the XFANZ expo,” event organizer Kristen Kaye told me, “is to give guys the chance to interact ... Read more...

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06.17.10 · 12:50 PM

Just an iPad, folks. Nothing to see here.

I got an iPad. I hope this doesn’t change anything between us; I still put my pants on one leg at a time. 2 iPad observations: 1) The email is awesome. Not the layout or the functionality, but the fact that all my messages now end with, “Sent from my iPad.” When somebody reads this at the end of one of my emails, it causes them to go back and reread everything I said with deeper concentration and respect. Ricky’s ... Read more...

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06.13.10 · 11:15 AM

Kathy Griffin’s mom is an author

I’ve reached a milestone in my career as a book reviewer. I just received a free book that I didn’t ask for. (So far I’ve been buying books and emailing publishers to ask for review copies of specific books.) Which book did I get? Why, I got Kathy Griffin’s 90-year-old mother’s book Tip it! The World According to Maggie. Now, I like Kathy Griffin’s Larry King appearances as much as the next (straight) guy, but Griffin’s mom’s book wouldn’t be ... Read more...

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06.8.10 · 2:03 PM

The smile bites back

I took that photo of my teeth a couple seconds before beginning this blog entry. Not bad, right? I hope not. I had braces as a kid; I brush and floss every day; I use Crest Whitening Strips—the whole shebang. But listen to this… I just had a dentist appointment with Dr. A. (This was my first - and last - appointment with Dr. A.) At the very end of it, the guy looked me right in the eye and ... Read more...

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06.4.10 · 4:03 PM

Land of 1,000 cliches

I’m on page 25 of Lee Kravitz’s stunt memoir, Unfinished Business: One Man’s Extraordinary Year of Trying to Do the Right Things. Judging by the above photo, you can probably guess how I feel about it so far. I’ve never encountered so many bland, polite, uninteresting, cliché people in one book. And again, I’m just on page 25. Reading Unfinished Business is like taking a double dose of Ritalin and then sitting down to watch the cast of Our Town ... Read more...

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06.3.10 · 11:28 AM

The worst $2 I ever spent

Town Square put a “Hurricane Simulation” machine between Whole Foods and California Pizza Kitchen. One day the sidewalk was empty, the next day there was a hideous telephone-less telephone booth blocking my path. So I loaded $2 into the machine and I stepped inside. A prerecorded voice said, “Here we go!” or “Let’s get this thing started!” or something cheesy like that. And then the wind began. The best way I can describe Town Square’s $2 Hurricane Simulation booth is ... Read more...

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06.1.10 · 11:48 AM

Fake Friends, Incorporated

I’ve got a million-dollar business idea, and I’m looking for investors. Working Title: Make Me Popular. (Somebody register MakeMePopular.com, STAT!) Company Mission: Make our clients appear more popular than they really are. Business Plan: For a couple hundred bucks, we’ll drive you around Las Vegas and snap hundreds of photos of you with professional models. We’ll stage all sorts of fun, adventurous and quirky situations in all sorts of different environments (clubs, bars, cafes, parks, pools, living rooms, etc). And ... Read more...

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Featured Cocktail

Cocktail of the Week May 15, 2013
by Sabrina Chapman

The Golden Pillar: An architectural cocktail built for XS

This Sunday, XS nightclub celebrates the grand reopening of its after-dark pool party, Night Swim. Along with the bash comes a new offering of signature cocktails served by the pitcher, ...
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