Last night I arrived home around 2 a.m. from a thrilling night at Amplify!! with a hunger for something salty, melty and microwaveable in 45 seconds or less. I knew what I had to do: layer one miniature corn tortilla with a slice of Swiss cheese, a few slices of Boar’s Head maple turkey breast and nuke ‘til it had evolved into a bubbly glob of goodness. (This takes 45 seconds exactly in my decent but not brand new microwave.) It wasn’t until after I’d prepared my delicious treat that I realized I’d missed an important step, four important steps to be exact. On the back of my packet of pre-sliced baby Swiss cheese read these vital instructions:
“For ease of slice removal:
1. Remove cheese from package.
2. Turn product over.
3. Remove cheese board.
4. Gently remove each slice, one at a time and ENJOY!”
I realize the American public isn’t overly educated - that most people cannot find Iowa on the map, let alone Afghanistan – but when exactly did we get this stupid? And more importantly, as a co-worker pointed out, if someone has managed to find the cheese, pay for the cheese and drive home with the cheese, do they really need step by step directions on how to remove the pre-sliced cheese from the package?
I say no. On behalf of the American public I am insulted, and I offer these suggestions to the folks who decided to print cheesy cheese-removal directions on my baby Swiss: Why not instead print a U.S. map so customers can learn where the states are while they enjoy? Maybe you could print a riddle on the back to stimulate the neurons of holey cheese eaters? A glossary of types of cheese and appropriate wine pairings? Now, that would come in handy. Or if they want to keep it short, sweet and four-steps exactly, I’ll even let them publish my recipe for post-concert open-faced microwavable snack. Step 5: Fall asleep.