October 19, 2009 · 2:39 PM

Monday List: 11 Signs You’re at a Bad Adult Production

By John Katsilometes

Showgirls at the grand opening of the Hard Rock Cafe on the Las Vegas Strip.

Photo: Erik Kabik/Retna/www.erikkabikphoto.com

This week’s Monday List: Top 11 Signs You’re at a Bad Adult Production:

11. Instead of Carmen Electra, the featured performer is Carman the Electrician.

10. In lieu of sequins, costumes are adorned with hundreds of Gannon Gasket Inc. gum rubber washers.

9. Fancy headdresses are fashioned out of old Tinker Toy Construction Sets.

8. Instead of spanking as the means of sexy onstage punishment, performers are sent to “time out.”

7. Stripper pole is 10 feet of 4-inch PVC pipe.

6. Soundtrack is drawn entirely from Muzak’s “Jukebox Gold.”

5. Boas are made of jackal fur.

4. Instead of topless vampires, the horror theme is topless Uncle Fester.

3. It’s not “Crazy Girls,” it’s “Vacuous Girls.”

2. Twenty minutes is spent on a Pilates demonstration.

1. Signature number is titled, “Halleluiah, Tonopah!”

Follow John Katsilometes on Twitter at twitter.com/JohnnyKats.

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