Las Vegas Weekly

July 16, 2010 · 2:42 PM

Defending the Caveman star Kevin Burke’s tales of Sin City

By Robin Leach

Circus ringmaster Kevin Burke at The Orleans.

Photo: Courtesy

From July 14 through Aug. 4, Robin Leach will be relaxing under the Tuscan sun on his annual vacation and will keep his eyes on what’s happening in Las Vegas from Italy. Meantime, a kindly crew of Las Vegas celebrities and VIPs has agreed to write guest columns for Vegas DeLuxe.

By Kevin Burke, guest columnist

Thanks for letting me sit in, Robin! I’ve been here for just over four years and have been keeping a diary of the wonderful weirdness you can only find in Las Vegas. The majority of the entries listed below are incidents I’ve seen with my own eyes. The rest come from credible sources.

Sin City Diary, 9:09 a.m.: An aging ex-heavyweight champion is walking slowly across a casino floor with a friend. Time and disease have robbed him of his legendary grace, but not the sharpness of his mind. As he passes, even hardcore gamblers stop and simply applaud. Reaching the elevator, he turns to his friend and says, “If people would only love each other the way they love me …”

Sin City Diary, 9:42 a.m.: The caretaker of the estate owned by a Middle Eastern royal family is wondering for the zillionth time why, in all the years they have owned the property, no one has ever stayed there.

Sin City Diary, 10:21 a.m.: In a small, off-Strip retail store, a crook dressed as a fire-extinguisher serviceman just conned his way behind the sales counter, ostensibly to “examine the fire extinguisher.” In reality, he’s writing down the make and model number of the safe so that his buddies will know what they’ll be breaking into when they rob the place tomorrow.

Sin City Diary, 12:35 p.m.: A single mother and her 2-year-old are checking out at Fresh & Easy. Mom has forgotten the debit card. The woman in line behind them is paying for their groceries. Las Vegas isn’t all predation.

Photo: David Becker/WireImage

Rock & Rita's owners David Tuttleman and Mark Green flank comedian Kevin Burke at the grand opening of Rock & Rita's at Circus Circus on July 8, 2010.

Sin City Diary, 1:52 p.m.: A Hollywood celebrity arrives at a plastic surgeon’s office to get a discrete procedure performed. She’s unaware that the receptionist ratted her out to the tabloids and that photographers are already taking up position outside.

Sin City Diary, 4 p.m.: A couple in the their 70s just got married onstage in a showroom by a comedian. While his ordination is legal, he’s not really much of a minister. In fact, he misspelled “Reverend” on their marriage certificate. They couldn’t care less. They are ecstatic over starting their new life together.

Sin City Diary: Right now, in every Strip hotel, there is at least one naked person who has accidentally locked his/herself out of his/her room.

Sin City Diary, 6:08 p.m.: A tourist from Wisconsin is having a great roll at the dice table. Even better, he’s pretty sure he’s going to get lucky with the attractive young woman who is standing next to him, squealing and clapping at his good fortune. Each time he wins a hand, she taps his stack of $100 chips with the bottom of her beer bottle for “luck.” He thinks it’s adorable. He also likes the fact that she presses her enormous boobs against him when she taps. He doesn’t realize that the bottle has sticky putty on it, and she’s been stealing $100 with each tap. He’s up $9k. She’s up $800. Not bad for 20 minutes’ work.

Sin City Diary, 7 p.m.: A Strip-headlining magician walked past a mirror without stopping to admire himself. Realizing his missed opportunity, he retraced his steps and corrected his error.

Sin City Diary, 7:18 p.m.: A mom shopping in Target with her 9-year-old is trying to put a positive spin on the start of the school year. “Your homeroom teacher is a magician!” Mom gushes. “But I don’t want another magician/teacher!” her young scholar wails. Only in Las Vegas!

Photo: Courtesy

Circus ringmaster Kevin Burke at The Orleans.

Sin City Diary, 8:41 p.m.: A showgirl executes a kick so high that she gets the heel brace caught in her sequined headdress. She has to sit down onstage ... topless ... in order to yank her shoe from her hat. Second time this week.

Sin City Diary, 9:16 p.m.: He’s ready. He’s got his ball cap, sunglasses, earphones and attitude. He’s been playing poker online and is ready to carve up the pros. You know, the same pros who will shortly be using his cash to take a vacation in Cabo.

Sin City Diary, 10:13 p.m.: A downtown show is letting out. The star is doing a meet-and-greet outside the showroom. A fan is telling him the judge let her out of county two days early, so she celebrated by coming to see his show.

Sin City Diary, 10:21 p.m.: He was dying, slowly. His audiences didn’t know, but he did. Each time his illness caused him to miss a note, he cursed quietly. His considerable wealth and fame meant nothing, now. All he really had left was his rhinestone-covered piano, his fans and the music, the great loves of his life.

Sin City Diary, 10:31 p.m.: He’d stood there for hours, robotically dealing cards. To make his day a little more interesting, he would occasionally deal from the bottom, not that it mattered. It was only ad cards for hookers.

Sin City Diary, 11:10 p.m.: The actor from Indiana held in his hands a 1691 Second Quarto Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare. As he read Mark Antony’s funeral oration (Page 37,) he wished he had the $40,000 necessary to purchase the treasure. He would content himself with having held it, breathed it in and spoken the timeless words aloud. It was as direct a connection to the Bard as he was likely ever to get.

Photo: Courtesy

Circus ringmaster Kevin Burke at The Orleans.

Sin City Diary, 12:08 a.m.: The casino put the nonsmoking blackjack table between two smoking blackjack tables. The cowboy sitting down to play thinks that’s a lot like having a swimming pool with a no-peeing section.

Sin City Diary, 12:26 a.m.: Girls in tiny dresses are waiting to get into ultra lounges where guys hoping to get lucky will spend $400 for a bottle of Grey Goose and the right to sit on a couch. Who says the American Dream is dead?

Sin City Diary, 1:45 a.m.: A homeless guy just caged a total of $10 off tourists on Fremont Street. He's heading into Mermaid’s for a deep-fried Twinkie and a beer. Whatever cash is left over will go into a progressive jackpot slot machine. If it doesn’t hit, he'll sleep tonight in Woodlawn Cemetery and hope for better luck tomorrow.

Sin City Diary, 3:31 a.m.: A Strip hotel valet is parking the Bentley of the guy who laid him off last month in order to hire a less expensive recent college grad. He’s sitting behind the wheel and considering the possibilities.

Sin City Diary, 4:22 a.m.: A woman in line at 7-Eleven is getting frustrated by the clerk’s slowness in completing the transaction of the patron in front of her. She’s unaware that the patron is robbing the store at gunpoint.

Photo: TVT

Kevin Burke and Mayor Oscar Goodman.

Sin City Diary, 9 a.m.: Tourists giddy with anticipation are streaming off the plane, while their future selves are shuffling like zombies toward the boarding area, badly in need of a vacation from their vacation.

Kevin Burke is the star of Defending the Caveman at Excalibur.

Professional poker player Michael Craig is tomorrow’s guest columnist.

Robin Leach has been a journalist for more than 50 years and has spent the past decade giving readers the inside scoop on Las Vegas, the world’s premier platinum playground.

Follow Robin Leach on Twitter at Twitter.com/Robin_Leach.

Follow Vegas DeLuxe on Twitter at Twitter.com/vegasdeluxe.

Follow VDLX Editor Don Chareunsy on Twitter at Twitter.com/VDLXEditorDon.

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