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At a porn trade show, it’s ALL appropriate

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The Real Touch, which wasn’t designed for fingers, exactly.
Photo: John Katsilometes
Johnny "Monty Oakwood" Katsilometes

I’m a big fan of the human brain and here is why: The brain has this intricate, fail-proof ability to recognize atmosphere and respond accordingly. For example, let’s say you are striding through the home-entertainment center at Macy’s (one of the Macy’s still in business, anyway) and the entire section of wide-screen TVs are showing people doing the horizontal bop, the brain tells us to go, “Wha-a-a-!” Because, you know, we might have just been pricing bath mats or something.

But at an event like the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo at the Sands Convention Center, the big screens are showing people in flagrante delicto and I mean everywhere. You cut a corner, innocently seeking the concession area, and BANG! There they are, front and center, all heaving and grimacing and moist. But your mind swiftly adjusts, telling you, “This is approved behavior here, today.” Play on, as they say in soccer.

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Here are what the innards look like. Sexy!

So it goes at the Sands, through the weekend, as the AEE conducts its annual trade show and, Saturday, AVN film awards show at Mandalay Bay. I’ve never been to this event and am surprised at how casual and natural those who work in this industry discuss … well, the finer points of the industry. While I was checking into the media center to be outfitted with my press credential, a guy walked up to me carrying this little purple thing that looked like a small eggplant, but was actually a sex aid/sex toy/sex conversation piece. He talked all about how it stimulated this particular area while tickling this other area down there and I said, “Wow, do I hate eggplant.” He was describing this new doohickey to nearly every person who walked into the press room. Talk about market penetration.

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Did I hear someone say, "objectifying women?"

Walking through the convention halls is an exercise in over-stimulation. As they say in the business, there is so much of it! Dozens of dressed-down dancers from such local dance clubs as Sapphire and body-painted darlings representing adult outlets hand out literature pumping their businesses. I happened by the booth promoting Real Touch, which is a virtual self-gratification gadget in which you insert your male member (or, in the case of the public convention, your fingers) while the device pulsates to an adult movie that is linked to the device. It's a little hard to explain, but you can actually imagine you are having some afternoon delight with an actual adult actress. But while watching this thing in action, I thought, this was developed for some really lazy masturbaters.

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Don't laugh -- it's for a worthy cause.

Later, near the heavily populated AVN booth, I ran into a familiar face in Steve Flynn, publicist for Criss Angel. “First time here?” he asked. “Yep!” I responded. He represents porn icon Tera Patrick, and I couldn’t resist saying, “She does some nice f-ing work.”

It was entirely appropriate.

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