Las Vegas Weekly

June 13, 2008 · 3:18 PM

Clown car never seems to be in idle

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

“My clothes are getting tight. I’m gaining weight,” a thin girl says in the locker room.

“No way!” I assure her. She is thin. She has a body like a growing child with a raging metabolism. “I’m only workin’ two or three more months,” she says. “Where are you going?” I ask.

“I’m pregnant,” she says in a lowered voice. I could barely hear her over the music. It was probably a Nickelback song. I hate Nickelback. The DJ at a place I will refer to as Cheeseburger Heaven always plays Nickelback for me when I go onstage. He either wants to passive aggressively punish me or he genuinely has bad taste in music. Does anyone notice that the lead singer looks like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz?

Anyway, I thought I read thin girl’s lips incorrectly. She adds, “I already have two babies. What’s one more?” Oh. My. God. Is she suggesting that raising a human being is no great responsibility and commitment to a lifetime of love, support and sacrifice? That nourishing and developing a healthy person is not going to be a challenge? I think I just heard her say that, exactly.

Like Mr. Crowley used to say, “Do what thou whilt.” While that’s a fine philosophy if your actions don’t affect other people, being irresponsible is not acceptable otherwise and it’s especially deplorable as a parent. Before going on, it is necessary to point out that I passed judgment and assumed she is a bad parent. She is. I will defend this belief by first saying that her nonchalant attitude about popping out children is not consistent with the attributes of a candidate for the parent of the year award. It just really irks me. It’s a vagina, not a clown car, lady. Another point that supports my opinion is that I overheard her say that she nearly got the other children (a one year old and a three year old) revoked by Child Protective Services for drug use. There is a time and place for drugs. Truck stop men’s room off a stripper’s ass while you’re not a parent: good. Christmas morning with the kids: bad.

Another piece of information that I have obtained that is purely secondhand is that she has a pimp. I have heard that he is old and looks like the lovechild of the guy from Tales from the Crypt and Flavor Flav. Where there are pimps there are hoes and lowbrow, disorganized prostitution. It’s not exactly the best environment for raising children.

I’ve also talked to her about other general stuff. She is not blessed with intelligence and is definitely not educated. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt though. I could easily be accused of being a bimbo, the way I look and carry myself at work, coupled with my introverted personality and social awkwardness. I suspect that I am right about her but my credibility is shoddy as a bimbo.

So these are my thoughts, but there are other girls that think she is making a bad contribution to the world with her reproductive choices and they have their own reasons. When the topic comes up that she is pregnant, girls shake their heads and the consensus is that they feel sorry for her kids. “That’s a damn shame. Those kids are going to be so ugly.” She’s no looker, its true.

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