Las Vegas Weekly

November 7, 2008 · 11:03 AM

What’s that on my trousers? “Stripper residue?”

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

I recently received a great picture from a friend. He went to a strip club wearing a pair of light-colored khakis, and after receiving some lap dances, he also received a pretty sizeable rust-colored stain on the front of his pants with a suspiciously high concentration of the residue on the groin area. He described the lap dance as very erotic. I would have called it messy. It looks like she was wearing really dark self tanner and just smeared it all over his pants.

There are a variety of possible lingering residues that a man might take home with him after receiving lap dances. Perfume, glitter and make-up are common. On the more nasty side, period blood, saliva and other random girl juices can end up on customers.

I brought up this topic in a conversation with another friend and strip club customer who told me that he had been a victim of this stripper residue. Images of being assaulted by silly string come to mind. He told me that he had gone to an all-nude strip club and ended up with vaginal mucosa or “p*ssy juice” on his leg.

“At least it wasn’t blood,” I say. It can be unsettling when you have a particularly heavy flow and you are doing several dances in row. If you have to excuse yourself to the bathroom to change a tampon, there is an incredibly high likelihood that you will lose your customer, especially if he hasn’t fallen all the way in love with you yet. Strippers will aggressively intercept each other’s sales at any given chance. A customer recently described that aggression with the analogy of being attacked by the blob. “Splat!” he said while slapping his palms together with his fingers spread apart and his eyes wide. At least it was a blob of aggression and not period blood.

Photo: Justice

The infamous befouled pants.

I am also told that it is pretty standard to get your ear licked by a stripper during a lap dance. Customers have a wealth of weird little tidbits of information that I would never find out with out talking to them.

A busy night of sweating and grinding will naturally make us not so fresh. Another customer told me that strippers can be really stinky, like “junior high gym class stench.” Besides the gross stuff just being gross, residue can get men into trouble. I believe most men don’t care about the gross stuff as much as they care about the necessary explanation for the tell tale lipstick on the collar. A customer was very apprehensive to get a lap dance from me when he could smell my perfume. He was nervous about his wife finding out. Men are weak so he got one anyway. Walking into a strip club, he should have expected that though. Blood, sweat, and perfume are part of the experience.

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