Las Vegas Weekly

September 14, 2008 · 10:42 AM

But for the sand, and ink, an appealing Internet adventure

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

I had been studying for final exams at UNLV and my brain was fried from all that excessive thinking. I found myself easily susceptible to simple distractions like the sound of my lazy hound dog chewing on a dry bone and the image at the corner of my eye of a cricket leaping across the floor. I find that my own thoughts are distracting too. It feels like endless chatter in my mind sometimes. Unfortunately, I have a perfect outlet to satisfy my fleeting thoughts. The Internet has yet to disappoint me in over 10 years of virtual adventure. Sure, there is a lot of stuff an 11 year old shouldn’t see, but I’m fine now, right?

Don’t answer that.

Anyway, on another exciting Internet safari, after exhausting my options of available freak-of-nature images, celebrity humiliation sites and myspace bulletins, I ended up at an adult site. It’s truly inevitable. All roads lead to Rome and all Internet searches end in adult content. Admit it.

On this particular evening I came across a very “vanilla” or tame kind of video. There is a girl at the beach and then a guy comes out of the ocean from his boat, jumps in the water, and swims towards her to the shore. There is no dialogue, just a bit of an opening act and then the main event. Chicks dig this sort of thing, right? I should have been pleasantly surprised to find something so romantic. Well my first thought was that I really hated the male actor. As soon as he immerges from the sea like Poseidon, he successfully irritates me. He had a mess of stupid tattoos. I wanted to punch him. Then I was thinking that there was too much sand. Holy poop. Sand everywhere. Maybe they could have found a towel or discussed the issue before rolling around in it. Also, there was a lot of water since they were by the ocean. I thought about how I should drink more water. Everyone should. We live in the desert so we really need to stay hydrated. I got up and made tea. My water bill was $300 dollars and that was weird because I live by myself. When I got back to the computer, they were still there with mouthfuls of sand and still no dialogue. Then I wondered in what country they were because the beach was really exceptionally nice. I wonder if it had been an ordeal to get everyone a proper work visa. I bet they sidestepped work documents, those sneaky sons of dogs. The female character had a really nice body and looked like a Thai lady-boy that went to Green Valley high school with me. That is fine, I suppose. I’ve worked with a handful of transsexual strippers. One was exceptionally mean. She got fired for ripping someone off for two grand. “I should get back to studying,” I thought. “Maybe I’ll write a blog first.”

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