Las Vegas Weekly

April 6, 2009 · 1:34 PM

When dandruff is glitter: A study in the drawbacks of black light

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

I’ve spent a lot of time staring at a variety of things under black light: people, carpets, liquids and pubic hair. I’ve come to the conclusion that black light is not flattering. Besides hiding cellulite, it really has no business in a strip club. It reacts oddly with hair, make-up and clothing, among many other things. I even saw a woman whose fake teeth glowed in black light. Only every other tooth was fake so her smile looked like electric- green piano keys.

Bleached hair glows neon green too. Your high-voltage lime tresses make you look like you’re wearing a cheap Halloween wig. I’m not sure if natural blond hair does this. I would have to see. I’ve heard there is actually such a thing as natural blond hair. I’m not that gullible, though.

Little white specks that aren’t visible in regular light are ridiculously obvious in black light. White laundry lint turns into purple sparkles on dark clothing. A sexy black bra-and panty-set looks goofy with glowing stray fuzz on it. Dandruff glows. You might not have known that you had dandruff until you stumbled into some black light. If you’re dancing all nude and you have a bit of stubble on your crotch, you might get white lint from cheap toilet paper stuck to yourself during a bathroom break. Not that I would know, but people end up calling you, “Sparklepuss.” Little clusters of white deodorant curdle in your armpits after a particularly sweaty stage set. Of course it looks like you’ve got a spoon full of radioactive cottage cheese in your armpit.

One customer likes to ask me “What are you thinking about?” while I dance for him. I’m mostly just studying the blanket of glowing lint all over him while we’re hanging out in an area of the VIP room with highly concentrated black light. Every strand of hair, including each eyelash, has little specks of glowing white lint coating it. “I’m just hoping you’re having fun. I am!” I answer. It’s not really a lie. These overlooked ugly details amuse me way more than they should. In that particular VIP room, I try to use the area with red light, which is much more flattering.

In the black light zone, when a customer wears a white shirt, it glows so much it is like dancing against a purple spotlight. Every scratch, bump and bruise on your body becomes clearly visible. I keep coming back to this idea that strippers hide a ton of flaws in strip club lighting, flaws that are revealed in the harsh light of the real world. I stand by that. There is at least one reader who would argue against that idea because he knows one stripper who looks just as pretty inside the club as out. I’d say I am shocked and comforted every time I see the world of difference a little darkness can do for the complexion and figure of hundreds of strippers.

Black light hides as much as it reveals, but it still isn’t flattering. I almost forgot to mention that it is just plain tacky. Any club that is properly renovated will abandon the nostalgia of tacky black light with out a second thought. I don’t know when black light was popular, but it keeps persisting in Las Vegas strip clubs like a bad psychedelic flashback.

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