Las Vegas Weekly

April 24, 2009 · 11:11 AM

Knocked off balance: Lopsided logic leads to bad boob jobs

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

“You look prettier every time I see you” I told a stripper at work. Every time she goes on vacation, she gets cosmetic surgery. She really does become prettier over time. Prettier, in that permanently-surprised-and-unnaturally-proportioned kind of way, but still better than the month before. “Better” and “prettier” all being descriptions left for the beholder to use, mind you.

By far, the most popular choice of surgical cosmetic improvement is the good old boob job. The breast augmentation is outrageously popular. I believe it’s more common to have a pair of plastic tits than to not have them in a Vegas strip club. It’s also exceptionally common outside the strip club, especially in Vegas. You couldn’t go to the grocery store without running into an enhanced chest here.

Illustration: Justice

For the most part, they look nice. Everyone likes boobs. Many people like big fake boobs. You would think with the popularity of fake boobs (about 350,000 augmentations in the U.S. per year), the procedure would be completely perfected and streamlined by now. You’d think there would be minimal complications and a consistently aesthetically pleasing result. You’d be wrong.

It looks like a lot of strippers take the “buy one, get one free” offer when it comes to breast implants. I’ve seen thousands of fake boobs and, in my mammary memories, I can think of way too many that have gone horribly wrong. There are so many key features to the perfect boob job. Nipple placement, the distance they are apart, shape, size, softness, etc. There are so many opportunities to mess up a boob job, when shopping for a surgeon you really need to find not only an incredible doctor but an artist. Getting implants is not the time for bargain hunting and it’s not a process to be rushed. Don’t be tempted by the surgeon’s going-out-of-business sale. Trust me.

Illustration: Justice

What’s the worse that could happen? A thing called capsular contracture, among other things. The body naturally forms a scar capsule around foreign objects like an implant. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons (one being bacterial infection) there is an excessive amount of scarring and the capsule contracts and distorts the implant. It looks freaking horrible. It looks like you have raisins stapled to your chest. It makes your boobs hard and painful.

Getting your implant placed under the muscle decreases your chances of capsular contracture. That solves all the problems, no? Nope. This may result in a condition called “high-riding” implants. This is where the implant is placed high in your chest and your natural breast tissue dangles from the bottom or forces your nipples downwards. You get long boobs. It looks like two carp have been stapled to your chest. Getting your implants under the muscle (submuscular placement) is only a good idea when you don’t have much breast tissue at all. It creates a natural looking slope to prevent that super-round-half-melon look.

So, having small breasts is the best “before” to a happy ever “after”? That’s not the case, either. Many small-breasted women choose breasts that are way too big for the amount of skin they have. This can result, depending on the surgeon, in a condition called “bottoming out” where the nipple is way too high on the breast and the implant is positioned too low.

Illustration: Justice

Another problem with having no breasts at all before augmentation is the higher incidence of that “wide set” look. Spacing issues are often a problem. Sometimes they are so far apart, they’re almost tucked under the armpit. They look like bulging chameleon eyes. Sometimes they’re forced so close together, the skin over the sternum is lifted and the two implants look fused under the skin. This condition is known as symmastia, but is also called “uniboob” or “bread-loafing.”

Having too much breast tissue before a surgery can lead to a terrible thing called “double bubble.” “Double bubble” occurs when the implant, which is placed behind the existing breast tissue, is a clearly visible lump at the bottom of the boob. It looks a bit like two hamburger buns stacked on top of each other. Isn’t that sexy?

Illustration: Justice

All I’m saying is that if you should choose to go under the knife, research the crap out of your doctor and your procedure. It will save you an extra couple surgeries and a whole lot of money.

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