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Stripped

Tales of the naked city, from a Las Vegas dancer.


April 24, 2009 · 11:11 AM

Knocked off balance: Lopsided logic leads to bad boob jobs

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

“You look prettier every time I see you” I told a stripper at work. Every time she goes on vacation, she gets cosmetic surgery. She really does become prettier over time. Prettier, in that permanently-surprised-and-unnaturally-proportioned kind of way, but still better than the month before. “Better” and “prettier” all being descriptions left for the beholder to use, mind you.

By far, the most popular choice of surgical cosmetic improvement is the good old boob job. The breast augmentation is outrageously popular. I believe it’s more common to have a pair of plastic tits than to not have them in a Vegas strip club. It’s also exceptionally common outside the strip club, especially in Vegas. You couldn’t go to the grocery store without running into an enhanced chest here.

Illustration: Justice

For the most part, they look nice. Everyone likes boobs. Many people like big fake boobs. You would think with the popularity of fake boobs (about 350,000 augmentations in the U.S. per year), the procedure would be completely perfected and streamlined by now. You’d think there would be minimal complications and a consistently aesthetically pleasing result. You’d be wrong.

It looks like a lot of strippers take the “buy one, get one free” offer when it comes to breast implants. I’ve seen thousands of fake boobs and, in my mammary memories, I can think of way too many that have gone horribly wrong. There are so many key features to the perfect boob job. Nipple placement, the distance they are apart, shape, size, softness, etc. There are so many opportunities to mess up a boob job, when shopping for a surgeon you really need to find not only an incredible doctor but an artist. Getting implants is not the time for bargain hunting and it’s not a process to be rushed. Don’t be tempted by the surgeon’s going-out-of-business sale. Trust me.

Illustration: Justice

What’s the worse that could happen? A thing called capsular contracture, among other things. The body naturally forms a scar capsule around foreign objects like an implant. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons (one being bacterial infection) there is an excessive amount of scarring and the capsule contracts and distorts the implant. It looks freaking horrible. It looks like you have raisins stapled to your chest. It makes your boobs hard and painful.

Getting your implant placed under the muscle decreases your chances of capsular contracture. That solves all the problems, no? Nope. This may result in a condition called “high-riding” implants. This is where the implant is placed high in your chest and your natural breast tissue dangles from the bottom or forces your nipples downwards. You get long boobs. It looks like two carp have been stapled to your chest. Getting your implants under the muscle (submuscular placement) is only a good idea when you don’t have much breast tissue at all. It creates a natural looking slope to prevent that super-round-half-melon look.

So, having small breasts is the best “before” to a happy ever “after”? That’s not the case, either. Many small-breasted women choose breasts that are way too big for the amount of skin they have. This can result, depending on the surgeon, in a condition called “bottoming out” where the nipple is way too high on the breast and the implant is positioned too low.

Illustration: Justice

Another problem with having no breasts at all before augmentation is the higher incidence of that “wide set” look. Spacing issues are often a problem. Sometimes they are so far apart, they’re almost tucked under the armpit. They look like bulging chameleon eyes. Sometimes they’re forced so close together, the skin over the sternum is lifted and the two implants look fused under the skin. This condition is known as symmastia, but is also called “uniboob” or “bread-loafing.”

Having too much breast tissue before a surgery can lead to a terrible thing called “double bubble.” “Double bubble” occurs when the implant, which is placed behind the existing breast tissue, is a clearly visible lump at the bottom of the boob. It looks a bit like two hamburger buns stacked on top of each other. Isn’t that sexy?

Illustration: Justice

All I’m saying is that if you should choose to go under the knife, research the crap out of your doctor and your procedure. It will save you an extra couple surgeries and a whole lot of money.

6 Comments So Far

Fascinating in an auto-accident-on-the-freeway sort of way. More than I ever wanted to know about breast surgery. A lovely New Mexico dancer proudly displayed her beautiful, symmetrical and obviously fabricated bosom. "I worked hard for these; now they're working for me." Not at $5 per table dance, sweetie.

Posted by: rrbill on 4/24/09 at 11:45 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Working as a dancer really opens your eyes to breast implants. I went in wanting them more than anything and walked out thanking God I never got them:) It is DEFINITELY not worth the risk!

Posted by: strippersoldier on 4/24/09 at 4:12 p.m. (Suggest removal)

LOVE this blog!! Seriously, I have seen what you are talking about (it is all over this glorious country) and women who enhance their breasts need to think about so many things before going under the knife. I have the opposite problem and am considering reduction sometime soon (hubby is a bit concerned, he likes the big boobs) but these puppies are WAY too big and I am tired of lugging them around! LOL........so either way, research that surgeon.....thankfully my procedure is paid for by insurance......so I am not worried about cost, just skill...;-)

Posted by: MG on 4/25/09 at 7:10 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I took several months to interview 4 different doctors (after researching online for roughly 3 years) before I chose the right surgeon for me. I was a 36D naturally, but in this industry...men don't want real....they want to pay for the entire fantasy!!! The first 3 surgeons all said that I HAD to have a lift (aka another $3k they could tack onto the pricetag) The surgeon I chose was the one who said, "Well, to avoid the double bubble, we just have to chose a high profile implant and fill it up enough to support your natural tissue" No problems, no complications, free annual check-up, and hundreds of men who ask, "Are they real?" I highly recommend Dr. Marvin Borsand in Scottsdale, AZ www.bodynew.com.

Posted by: StripandGrowRich on 4/29/09 at 1:44 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I am a natural breast man myself, but I understand the desire for women to enhance their boobs. Big boobs fetishes go back to the dawn of civilization. Just check out the Venus of Willendorf, which is 26,000 years old:

http://witcombe.sbc.edu/willendorf/

But I won't hold it against you Justice if you go under the knife. You did your homework, so the chances of you ending up with a "boob plastic surgery disaster" is pretty low.

Boobs are such fun. :)

Posted by: aardvark on 5/13/09 at 9:03 p.m. (Suggest removal)

wow. that was enlightening. Holy sh*t. Glad I just deal with strings and things. There is nothing like a great pair though! www.sincityguitar.com

Posted by: Sin_City_Guitar on 5/21/09 at 10:44 a.m. (Suggest removal)

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