Las Vegas Weekly

April 29, 2009 · 1:56 PM

The idea of a boob job just feels right

By Justice

Photo: Justice

Speaking of breast implants, what can I say about silicone versus saline?

Saline is by far more popular. Through my highly scientific research of squeezing lots of stripper boobs, I’ve had more saltwater in my hands than a scuba diver. Saline is just saltwater, and it is somehow more peaceful a thought to have saltwater implanted in your chest than silicone. It’s like having the ocean near your heart or something equally cheesy. The drawback of saline is that it ripples terribly like the ocean. When a woman’s skin is too thin or the collagen has been broken down from years of chain smoking, the rippling bag of saltwater is clearly visible. It’s strange, I think, how warm the breasts feel anyway. There is no circulation through them whatsoever. Maybe they’re cold in the winter? Maybe they’re like ice sculptures of boobs when it’s cold enough. Maybe not. Saltwater, I’m told, has a lower freezing point than plain water. The temperature would have to be cold enough to kill you before the implants would freeze. Well, one positive thing about having implants is that if you find yourself murdered or just frozen to death and your face is mutilated or shriveled beyond recognition, the serial number on your implants will make it easier to identify you. Maybe that’s why so many women in abusive relationships have breast implants? You can’t be too safe these days.

The modern silicone used in implants has a far superior feel. Imagine gelatin inside a balloon, inside a woman. A miracle of science, no? It also has incredible longevity and is far more expensive. Silicone also harms far fewer silicone implantees than it used to.

I’ll be getting a couple scoops of silicone myself. “Fill ‘er up” I’ll tell my doctor. Yes, with the knowledge of all the horrific possibilities of a boob job gone terribly wrong (pain, ugliness, infection), I’ve decided to go under the knife. That is going to be news to my real life friends who read this blog. I haven’t told anyone and it’s about to happen. Through my “research,” I’ve found a pattern of a lack of support for the women who make this decision initially but a whole lot of support after they’ve actually gone through with the process. “People told me not to do it, but now they love my tits.”

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