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A slice of wisdom on undercover law enforcement from Captain Cake

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Justice

What I do at my job is illegal. At nearly any random moment at work, with a smidgeon of bad luck, a police officer can come in and give me a citation for doing my job. Imagine how unsettling that must feel. A few times per year, vice will go to strip clubs, buy lap dances and then cite strippers for lap dancing. Lap dances are illegal. Lap dances are, however, the activity that produces the bulk of a stripper’s income. Through the grape vine, I’ve heard that there has been a recent rash of vice activity at strip clubs all over town. We are absolute sitting ducks for citations.

My dear friend and fellow stripper who chose the alias “Captain Cake” was a victim of this unjust persecution. “If they don’t get a hard-on, they’re a cop. I kind of should have figured that out. Everyone gets a hard-on,” she told me over coffee and nachos. I was fortunate enough to meet Captain Cake when we were both waitresses. To say she is one of the most incredible people I ever met would be an understatement. Certain people enrich the lives of those who know them. She is an intelligent, inquisitive, and super hot red-haired woman and apparently, she gives a really dirty lap dance.

“They legitimize it in a way that makes it OK for us to do it but if we do it, we’re f****d,” Cake tells me about work. She was cited for “erotic dancing.” “Erotic” is a poorly defined legal term. I was able to acquire a short list of the condensed legal rules of stripping. “It is a violation of the law to touch your nipples with your fingers,” I’ve learned. That might scar someone for life. We are advised to “not put anything in your mouth that may be construed as sexual; such as breasts, fingers, ties, straws, money, etc.” “Etcetera” might encompass a wide range of other things like kitchen sinks and penises, I would guess. And what are we supposed to do with straws if it could be a considered too erotic to place them in our mouths? Excessive grinding isn’t allowed, either. How is “excessive” legally defined? I’ve even heard that sitting on someone’s lap, even in the absence of grinding, is illegal. There are so many rules that, like I said, we’re screwed if the cops show up.

It is simply a matter of chance. Yet, as is a natural human thought pattern, we try to figure out when and where they will be busting people. People have lucky numbers and superstitions because we try to figure out how to have some control over events that are entirely and impossibly out of our control. I’ve heard an incredible variety of warnings and signs to prevent or reduce the possibility of getting a citation. “I knew he was a cop when he was wearing white socks with dress shoes” a stripper tells me. “I wouldn’t dance for him.” Another stripper tells me, “They show up just after Christmas time.” “They have two wallets. Check for two wallets.” “They show up as a couple. A man and a lady.”

In Cake’s situation, there were three of them in varying clothing styles, races and ages. They were sitting apart. None of them had hard-ons.

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