Las Vegas Weekly

March 10, 2009 · 10:05 PM

A little goo keeps fakery intact

By Justice

Illustration: Justice

“Do you have any eyelash glue?” I asked a girl in the locker room. She wears fake lashes all the time and she’s a stripper Girl Scout. She has everything a stripper could possibly need even in any worse case scenario. Like a broken nail, for example. Or an adhesively challenged eyelash, as was the case with my dangling false one. I’m a space cadet. I sometimes forget stuff and have to ask around for things. I’ve even borrowed other girls’ shoes which turns out to be a really gross thing to do. Those shoes collect a lot of sweat and are a perfect breeding ground for bacteria. My God, the smell is outrageous.

Girl Scout handed me a little black bottle of something. “KEEP OUT OF EYES” the bottle’s label warned. “What is this?” I probed. “It works better,” she assured. It was hair glue for hair extensions. It is a fishy-smelling, black-tar goo that is apparently harmful to your eyes. It’s great for fake eyelashes though. Her lashes always look great. Who am I to argue? She spread a bead of toxic glue along my lash line and stuck the plastic hairs to my eyelid. A bit of stinging and temporary blindness for an evening of glamour? Sign me up.

I’ve been wearing fake eyelashes to work often lately. They’re fantastic and worn by the best. For me they conjure up images of Las Vegas showgirls, porn stars and cat-eyed Fellini film starlets. Those exaggerated lashes are pure sex. If you ask me, that chronically depressive mammoth elephant Mr. Snuffelupagus was the hottest character on Sesame Street. It was the long feathery lashes for sure. Speaking of sexy eyelashes and children’s shows, I vaguely recall an episode of the Flintstones, where Dino the pet dinosaur has a crush on a lady dinosaur but becomes completely disenchanted when he sees her without her fake lashes. Turned off like a burnt-out light bulb.

I’ve been a fan of the fishy, black-tar goo ever since the incident with the girl scout in the locker room. It’s adhesive endurance far exceeds the stuff that is safe for your eyes. In fact, it works so well, it sometimes pulls out your natural lashes like a Brazilian wax when you attempt to remove your fake ones.

Gentelmen, it’s mostly all an illusion inside a strip club. Our hair, nails, breasts and eyelashes are all smoke and mirrors. A few things are the same here and there though. A regular customer who happens to live within walking distance from me asked me why he never sees me at the nearby grocery store. “You would never recognize me anyway,” I assured him. “Sure I would. I’d recognize the way you walk.”

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