The thing about it is that the ex, we’ll call him B, asked for space but not a breakup. I was the one who decided that putting me on the back burner was not an option. Giving him “space” was a situation where I would be getting all of the restrictions of a relationship but all the loneliness of being alone. B didn’t want to lose me but he knew he was too busy with work and other projects to give me the time and effort I deserved. I didn’t want it to end, either.
Like I said before, the breakup was the right thing to do but a month later we are still magnetically drawn to each other.
I don’t know what would be the right thing to do anymore. I want to be with him again but the image of that cow in his bed is burned into my memory. Maybe I need to level the playing field and sleep with someone else. I could, I suppose. I really don’t want to though. And my vagina isn’t a tool to execute vengeance.
B and I went camping at Mount Charleston last Sunday after checking out of the hotel. I lost count of the number of times he told me he loved me. We weren’t completely prepared to go camping or to jump back into things but the desire to do so overwhelmed us.
I marinated chunks of lamb in a rosemary garlic marinade that we later cooked over the campfire. We didn’t bring enough firewood so we improvised. Paper plates, stray-dry logs and blueprints from his office all went up in flames. We hiked up the steep Robber’s Roost trail where the horse robbers used to hide in the caves.
From the top of a tree I climbed, I observed our camp. I was happy, perched up there on the ant-infested branch. Earlier in the weekend, I was ready to die and ready to do it myself.
After we gorged on greasy lamb and potato salad that night we smoked and went to bed. I recall being intensely scared of the future as I laid down on the sleeping bag and pulled the sheets over me. He came in a few minutes after me. I was too gone to really talk and I fell asleep. He woke me up in the middle of the night to warn me that there was a snake in the tent as he put my hand on his pants. Still in a haze, I sat up and took care of him. He fell asleep after I got him a paper towel, leaving me wide awake. I stared up at the sky through the mosquito screen. All black with glitter stars spread thick across it. I got out of the tent to play with the fire. It was 3:06 a.m. on Monday morning. The light in the horizon must have been from the city. I sat in the car to smoke a little more so I could sleep again. I crawled back into the tent with B and fell asleep.