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This dance if from a Russian … with love

What’s the least-visited Eastern European country? Or the Eastern European language that the fewest number of people speak? I need to develop a work persona that is from one of these Eastern Bloc places and I’d rather not get “busted” by someone who is actually from there or who speaks the language. Why an Eastern European persona? A couple reasons.

When people are guessing where I’m from, Russia or some other part of Eastern Europe come up a whole lot. “Is Russia in England?” a guy asked me once when he and his buddy were trying to guess where I’m from. It was a serious question. He had no idea. Anyway, I’m told I have that stereotypical, mail-order look to me and why not play up the fantasy?

But pretending to be Russian is completely out of the question because there are more Russian strippers in Vegas than there probably are in Russia. I really dig them. They’re all business and no fun.

This plan is already falling apart in my mind. I couldn’t keep a straight face while speaking in a ridiculous Cold-War-enemy accent. Maybe if I’m drunk. I’m much better at lying when I’m drunk. Not just white lies, but intricate, bizarre stories and I don’t know why or where they come from. I’ve been asked how my life in a motorcycle gang is doing after running into a girl I talked to when I was drunk.

So what else is new? There was an ugly fistfight in the locker room between the psycho ex-wife of a white supremacist (she’s sweet, honestly) and a black chick. That’s a story for next time.

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