Las Vegas Weekly

February 26, 2012 · 7:31 PM

Life on ice

By Justice

I drove a snowmobile to a glacier yesterday. It was my first time riding one. It was amazing.

There were enormous ice formations that were so bright blue that they looked like artificially flavored hard candy. The formations were in sharp angular chunks as big as houses. There were massive ice caves that you couldn't see all the way into. It was like the queen's ice palace in Narnia.

The area where I was riding is almost all liquid for most of the year. I was riding during a warm spell (just above freezing) and a lot of ice was melting. Rivers ran underneath the ice we drove on. I even had to drive over a small section of river that was mostly ice. Pretty scary stuff. I'm in Alaska now in the dead of winter. Am I crazy? Of course. I'm going snowboarding tomorrow morning after working at the strip club all night. Running myself ragged in the short amount of time I have here. I need to keep myself busy so I can keep my mind off of things back home. Strip club business slows down in Alaska during the winter months, but I couldn't bear to spend another day in Vegas. When life gives you lemons, run away from them. Run far.

There are plenty of other places to go where there aren't any lemons yet. I've been here for a few weeks. I said I'd leave when I got pissed off, but I'm going back sooner than that. I have lemons to face. Lemons don't have faces, but you know what I mean. I have lemonade to make. I love it here, and part of me just wants to stay forever. The club where I work is my favorite strip club in the world. No one is allowed to touch you and the money is straightforward. You don't really have to be interesting or friendly or anything draining like that. It really is just "Want a dance?" and there ya go. The other night I just pointed at someone and called them over with a hand gesture. I told him his total when I was done dancing and that was the extent of our conversation.The drawback is that it's all nude on stage and customers can have a staring contest with your vagina. Much like lemons, vaginas don't have faces (and hence, no eyes) so they can't really win staring contests.

Alaska is really my happy place. It's so beautiful here. The snowy mountains in the horizon look like they're covered in powdered sugar. The moose walk around like they own the place. They walk right up to peoples' front doors and chill out on the porch. It's serene and breathtaking, but also dangerous. If I got drunk and pulled any of my famous stunts, the weather would kill me before anyone knew I was missing. The day before I came up here, a pretty young girl went missing. She was last seen at a coffee stand where she worked as a barista. A few weeks have passed and we talk about her in the past tense. Her father already had a vigil. We're all convinced the body will turn up when the snow melts. This kind of ice hides all your secrets.

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