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All you ever needed to know about going to college

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Tip #35: Front row basketball seats have added benefits.
Photo: kcjc009 / via Flickr

The 31st Annual College Fair will be at Cashman Center this Monday and Tuesday, with representatives from over 200 universities and colleges dispensing information and advice to high schoolers and their parents.

Boring, boring, boring. Here’s all you prospective freshman need to know about your higher ed debut:

1. Avoid referring your first class of the day as “first hour.” It’s a dead giveaway that you just migrated from the halls of somewhere-in-America high school. This could get you into serious trouble come your first frat party . . . On second thought, maybe you should make it a point to slip this reference in

2. At universities, nothing, and I mean nothing is free. On top of the exorbitant college tuition, you’ll be paying for parking as well. Yes, a place to stash your car away so you can sit in a class that your parents paid for on a chair that is no doubt going to get tacked onto next semester’s bill, reading a book that cost you more than a Coach bag and will probably be replaced by a new edition in the next two months, so when you try to sell it back to the bookstore its monetary value will effectively be zero. Phew. In conclusion, bring some quarters or invest in a parking pass. And watch out for the parking police; they’re serious about their job.

3. Never drink beer on Thursday night, if you’ve got a test on Friday.

Tip #23: Don't be intimidated by all that gothic architecture. It's how they make the buildings look smart.

Tip #23: Don't be intimidated by all that gothic architecture. It's how they make the buildings look smart.

4. If you know you aren’t a morning person, stop the cycle of denial. Don’t schedule anything before 10:30 a.m. in the morning. It’s hard to pass a class you don’t attend.

5. ‘Liberal Arts?’ Don’t waste your time, stupid.

6. If that fancy degree doesn’t impress anyone, you can always look forward to a rewarding career at Starbucks (with benefits!).

7. Become a 40 connoisseur, as in 40 ounces offer more time to savor the flavor. (Note: these steps are not to be followed in a single night) Here’s how:

A) Start out with MGD.

B) Move on to Mickeys.

C) Next try Olde English 800.

D) If you had a fun night with the OE, move on to King Cobra.

E) If you are still alive, graduate to the almighty Steel Reserve (my personal fav).

F) Take a month off to detox from your thrilling journey.

8. In the words of Trip McNeely from Can’t Hardly Wait, make sure to get flip flops for the showers.

9. Signing up for a credit card is not a good idea, even if they offer you a free T-shirt.

10. Dumpster diving for furniture is an art and nothing to be ashamed of.

11. Women, never let a frat-boy hold your drink.

12. Men, never let a sor-whore drive your car.

13. Never mix Nyquil and Dayquil before a final.

14. Ramen Noodles can be your best friend if you treat them right.

15. Anyone who tells you “Beer before liquor makes you sicker. Liquor before beer and you're in the clear,” should not be taken seriously.

16. Meet thy savior. Not God, Craigslist.org. This Web site has literally everything you’ll need for the next four years, from close-to-campus apartments to $50 futons to jobs to pay for beer money, even free kittens if your “I’m an engineering major. What are you studying?” pick-up line isn’t working and things get lonely at home.

17. Easy Mac. That's it.

18. Leave your high school spirit clothing at home. Sure, you love the Tigers/Raiders/Panthers/Eagels/Giant Snapping Turtles, but post-matriculation is no time to be displaying your high school pride. Use the money you save from not getting parking tickets and buy yourself a shirt to represent your new school. Supporting the home team is always in style.

19. Experiment freely with: sex (wrap it up!), drugs (except for crack, and PCP) and rock ‘n roll (bluegrass doesn’t count)!

20. Take classes you think you'll never "need." Your favorite class may end up being on the evolution of education, the philosophy behind the death penalty, colonial politics, collage-making, tribal dance or the history of cheese, but you never figured that out because your head was stuck in a macroeconomics text book.

21. Don't take your school work too seriously. Ultimately the fact that you pulled three all-nighters in a row to score a B+ on your poli sci midterm won't amount to squat. Better go sing karaoke instead.

22. A great thing to expect from college is realizing that you may only see 40 percent of the people you hated in high school. The rest are all now knocked up, stripping, working on cars ... or dead.

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