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The closest you’ll get to a stripper on your lunch break

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The gentlemen’s club industry powers-that-be know that the hottest action isn’t in the VIP room; it’s online.

Pumpsmag.com, launching soon according to Urban Daddy, is an online-only digital magazine (AKA Web site) dedicated to a subject that never seems to get old: the strip club.

Although designed primarily for patrons, staff, investors and owners, the site is poised to become the go-to URL for bored and randy cubicle slaves, right after the requisite stopovers at Facebook and YouTube. What could be more entertaining and escapist than a workday peek into the world of G-strings, Lucite platform heels and steamy back rooms?

Well, maybe porn, but you can’t easily get away with that. With a relatively sophisticated and moderately discreet design (no star-covered nipples or flashing “barely legal” graphics), the elegant Pumpsmag shouldn’t catch a coworker’s eye. Like a venue rich in red velvet and dim lighting, the site attempts to dress up the T&A wrapped around the pole. A recent Craigslist ad calling for unpaid interns to join their staff equates their demographic and content to those of Esquire and Forbes. Content: you be the judge. Demographic: older, moderately wealthy male ... yep.

According to their media kit, the site’s target demographic is 70 percent male, 30 percent female. Here’s how they plan to keep 'em coming back for more:

• Rating system of gentlemen’s clubs across the U.S., factoring in the aesthetics (of the women), atmosphere, food and drinks and location.

• Featured dancers, complete with sexy photos and Q&As. Bonus: if you fall in lust, you can go locate the dancer at the club of her employment. Forget unattainable cybergirls—bring your singles and meet your dream girl in the flesh.

• Who’s who of industry entrepreneurs

• “'How-to guide' for the average man on conducting himself in a high-end gentlemen’s cabaret with grace and class.”

There is also a Testimonials section where you can rant or rave about that club you hit last night, a Sex Ed section and, for the ladies, a Home Remedy section. The "remedies" involve several steps; one begins with a housewife in a robe and boyshorts and ends with her upside-down with her ass in hubby's face. Warning: this could go royally wrong.

Like the puppets sing in Avenue Q, the Internet is for porn, so when you can’t browse the good stuff, check out Pumpsmag. I guess if you can’t actually be in a strip club reading about one is the next best thing. Although a virtual strip club would be better.

For an even more authentic behind-the-scenes view of stripper-dom (and into the bathroom, the dumpster, the VIP Room and beyond), read the frequent dispatches from Weekly dancer/blogger Justice.

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Jennifer Grafiada

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