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What we learned during Memorial Day weekend in Las Vegas…

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Teen country pop-star Taylor Swift played at the Mandalay Bay Events Center on May 23, 2009.
Photo: Justin M. Bowen

Taylor Swift writes songs like a seasoned pro, but dances like a seventh grader.

Even though George Bush has been out of office for several months, Lewis Black still has a lot to complain about.

Just because there’s a party at a pool, that does not make it a “pool party.” Check with security before jumping in or you’ll be thrown out.

Some football players just can’t handle their booze, even if they’re 250-pounds, like New Orleans Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey, who passed out in the middle of the afternoon after partying a little too hard — and not drinking enough water between rounds — at Rehab.

Getting on stage and close to a DJ depends not on what wristband you’re wearing, but on the ratio of one’s implants to the amount of clothing being worn. I>C=VIP.

Don’t try to pick up a trio of hot blonde ladies by calling out, “Hey, are you guys lesbians?”

Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison.

Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison.

Unlike Playboy tattoo-removing former Hefner housemate, Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson is brand loyal: She came to town to host the Friday pool party at Wet Republic and didn’t seem to leave the MGM Grand until she left Las Vegas, hitting Craftsteak and KA before heading out.

If you are going to show off your pole dancing skills on a handrail at a party pool, make sure someone’s got your crotch covered. You never know what stunts people are going to pull.

Per Ozomatli, the proper way to ask a fine woman for directions to an after party in L.A. is: “Oye, baby. Oye, mami. Dónde está la after party?”

Bragging, “my friend got laid on his first night in Vegas!” to everyone within earshot, isn’t going to make you any friends, let alone get him laid on his second night in Vegas.

When groups of guys all wear the same style sunglasses they look like a boy band, which is cool, if that’s what you’re going for.

Bret McKenzie and Jermaine Clement, better known as Flight of the Conchords, really want kids, so badly they’d like to try impregnating five rows worth of female audience members.

When camping, always invite the friend who makes their own tortilla chips and can mix up a mean guacamole.

The Allman Brothers Band at Red Rock Resort.

The Allman Brothers Band at Red Rock Resort.

While marijuana isn’t technically legal in Nevada, Allman Brothers concerts are considered sovereign states and smoking is allowed, if not explicitly sanctioned.

Arj Barker isn’t just a comedian, he’s an environmental theorist, too: “Earth is fine, but there’s something wrong with the sun. … When I burn my toast I don’t blame the bread.”

Joe Rogan really likes his mayo. He had a whole bowl’s worth stashed in the House of Blues dressing room.

The Crystal Method aren't just talented, they're practical. TCM recommends underage fans look into getting a good fake ID if they want to check out their shows.

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