Dear Jonas Brothers,
Congratulations on your recent engagement, Kevin Jonas. The City of Las Vegas was excited for you. Keyword: Was.
We were excited that your wholesome 21-year-old self was upgrading from Camp Rock cabin to honeymoon suite, that is until your brothers insulted our beloved city during an interview with People. When asked about bachelor party plans, Nick Jonas told the magazine, “It will be good, clean fun.” Joe Jonas chimed in, “It won’t be in Vegas. Vegas is not really the ideal place. We are thinking somewhere even cooler and better.”
We haven’t been so offended since GQ failed to list Vegas as one of the 10 Best Drinking Cities in America. Las Vegas is the bachelor (and bachelorette) party capital of the universe. If you’re about to take the plunge into marriage, there is nowhere “cooler and better” than the Strip. Or Downtown. Or Industrial Road.
We have strip clubs where you can see everything (except alcohol) and nightclubs where you can see almost everything (including alcohol). We have burlesque dancers and topless revues for those seeking cleavage with a little more class. Go-go dancers shake their stuff most other places, and racy billboards line the streets everywhere else. Women have their own male revues or can become certified dancers at Stripper 101. Beyond the skin and sin, Vegas has fabulous food, plenty of shopping, near-constant sunshine and drive-thru weddings, should you happen to spend all your money on the bachelor party and need to make things official in a hurry.
Have you never seen The Hangover, Jonas Brothers? Vegas is immortal.
We understand the family-friendly image, the “good, clean fun” line, but we’re skeptical. Britney Spears wore a chastity ring once, too.
And where are these alleged places that are “cooler and better” than Vegas. Are you having a triple-date with your predecessors, the Hanson brothers, in their hometown of Tulsa, Okla.? That sounds spiffy. We hear Omaha is also nice this time of year. Does the Disney iron fist require you spend your bachelor party at Disneyworld or are you boys sneaking away to Legoland?
We get that baby brother Nick just turned 17, and you won’t want to leave him out of the any of the festivities. No problem! Just, consider some of the family friendly options here in town. We have Cirque du Soleil shows on every corner and enough magicians, ventriloquists and hypnotists (just avoid Anthony Cools) to entertain the kiddies for weeks. Trampoline heavens, go-kart racetracks, indoor skydiving and Red Rock climbing are all just minutes away. You can take a riveting tour of the Hoover Dam if you want to brush up on your history. There’s even Alien Jerky just outside of town! Of course, there are plenty of Build-a-Bears if you want your female company furry and stuffed, and Chuck-E-Cheese isn’t out of business yet.
Maybe we should give you some credit. Maybe you just want to keep the party among friends. Perhaps you’re planning on going over to the Cyrus residence to watch Miley dance around an ice cream cart stripper pole. We’re pretty sure we could find one of those for you in Vegas, if hers is out of commission.
Look, Jonas Brothers, we aren’t asking you to embrace Pahrump, turn in your good boy cards and pull a 180. Just reconsider your belief that Vegas isn’t cool. Because even when it’s 110 degrees outside, even when the cacti are withering and the strippers are sweating, there’s simply nowhere cooler than Las Vegas to say goodbye to your bachelor days. This is “good, clean fun.” Just as long as you shower afterward.