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The Avenging Unicorn and Sandy Bologna at Punk Rock Bingo

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Andrew S. of SwingShift SideShow prepares to lift a heavy table with his face during Punk Rock Bingo.
Photo: Deanna Rilling

There was a unicorn impaling a mime. And I wanted it.

With four interchangeable magical horns possessing separate unique powers, plus a new-age bookstore lady and an arrogant businessman just waiting to be speared by the mythical creature, I reverted to a child-like state of whining, a gimmie-gimmie version of Deanna. The Avenging Unicorn was, hands down, the coolest play-set ever.

But I’m getting ahead of myself and forgetting Dance Hits with Blossom, fake blood capsules, a bondage doll and Sandy Bologna. I don’t think I’ll ever forget Sandy Bologna, and the taste of her is probably still contaminating Jenn O. Cide’s mouth.

You’re still lost, I’m sure.

These were only snippets from the hilarity that ensued Wednesday night at the Happiest Place on Earth — the Double Down Saloon — that set the scene for the monthly Punk Rock Bingo tournament.

Story time with Jenn O. Cide in between rounds of bingo.

Kelvikta the Blade swallows... a sword.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Double Down is like Cheers and everybody knows your name. Well, at least Jenn O. Cide knows everyone’s name. Of course, I’ve been going there periodically since... well... I’ve heard many awesome bands (Yard Dog Road Show still stands out as a fave performance, plus Überschall every month); I got to be in their first calendar; and I think I’ve tried every color version of ass juice there is. But I’d yet to get my butt there on the first Wednesday of each month for Punk Rock Bingo.

Epic fail on my part.

When I arrived with my own Elvis bingo dabber in hand, I had just missed the first round of bingo, but patrons can join at anytime (take that major casino bingo halls!). It’s free with fabulous gifts and prizes, such as bizarre-o VHS tapes and random tchotchke items probably purchased at the Bonanza gift store in 1987. Each prize was more awesome than the next.

In between rounds of bingo, DJs Beelzebozo and Rex Dart the Pirate Detective spun off-the-wall entertaining tuneage. A group of mildly intoxicated patrons pulled up some floor space a la kindergartners in front of their teacher for story-time with Jenn. My sides ached from laughing so hard as she recounted a collection of disastrous Internet come-on correspondences, typos and poor grammar included.

At other intervals, the Swing Shift Side Show crew entertained with their barrage of freaky feats, including sword swallowing and lifting heavy tables with their eye sockets. Also entertaining was the night-long ridiculing of a random drunk blond chick who obviously had no idea how or why she was at the Double Down. She was promptly dubbed Sandy Bologna after Jenn took one for the team and licked the drunk girl’s boob so she’d flash the bar (there were quite a few flashers during bingo). Apparently she tasted like, you guessed it, bologna covered in sand.

Behold the awesomeness that is the Avenging Unicorn.

While my bingo cards failed me (I think Elvis dabber is cursed because I’ve never won), I did walk away with the BEST PRIZE EVER. While reading the back of a figurine box, I couldn’t help but loudly proclaim, “I WANT THAT!!!!!” much to my own embarrassment at my lack of restraint. Said item was the aforementioned Avenging Unicorn work of genius and Double Down owner P Moss tossed the play-set to me, thus making my evening more fantastic than I thought it could be.

Sad you missed the action and can’t wait until next month to see the event in person? Check out video shot live at punkrockbingo.com.

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