Las Vegas Weekly

March 25, 2010 · 5:30 PM

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener…

By April Corbin

That is a giant Wiener(mobile).

Photo: April Corbin

Food, family and fun are the three facets of the Oscar Mayer empire. This according to Hotdogger Guadalupe Martinez, whose title within the company really is "hotdogger" and who also answers to her official company-given nickname "Guac-alupe."

That's a nice reminder that we should be thinking about the iconic and wholesome — rather than the obviously phallic — nature of the Wienermobile. This custom ride is eight feet wide, 11 feet high and 27 feet long or, if you prefer measuring things in units of hotdog, 18 hotdogs wide, 24 hotdogs high and 60 hotdogs long. That is a lot of wiener, no dick joke intended. It includes a blue-sky ceiling, a "condiment-splattered carpet" (not as gross as it sounds) and plush, embroidered seating for six wiener enthusiasts.

The pimped-out ride does not, however, house any edible hotdogs or have a built-in grill — a fact that disappoints many of the people who stumble upon the Wienermobile, which has been cruising around the Vegas Valley this month. First up, a moocher: "Are you guys giving out hotdogs?" Next, an outright cynic: "What are you guys trying to sell?" Later, a drive-by question: "Are you selling hotdogs?"

Guacalupe and fellow Hotdogger Doggone Dave (real name David Denny) field all the questions with a smile, explaining that, no, while the Wienermobile may have storage space for 11,000 Wienerwhistles, it is not equipped to pack any meat. What they do not say is what I am thinking: The hotdog-shaped vehicle is parked in front of an Albertsons and you or anyone else who really wants a hotdog needs to march your cheap ass inside the store to buy one for yourself! Perhaps this is why my name is April instead of Aprelish and I am not one of the elite hotdoggers, who are 12 recent college graduates selected for a one-year contract.

Too bad for me, because if I were a hotdogger, I might be happily engaged, instead of a divorcee who never buys Oscar Mayer wieners because they do not come in single-serving packs. Guacalupe met her fiancé in Texas while taking the RELISHME Wienermobile in for maintenance. Wholesome hotdogger meets man that can maintain a 27-feet long wiener? Talk about a match made in hotdog heaven!

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