Las Vegas Weekly

August 15, 2009 · 10:04 AM

Top Chef Countdown, Day 4: Spinoffs we’d like to see

By John Katsilometes

Mayor Oscar Goodman joins Vegas Rocks magazine's attempt to break the Guinness World Record for most guitar players performing "Viva Las Vegas" at the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign.

Photo: Erik Kabik/Retna/www.erikkabikphoto.com

In preparation for the Top Chef: Las Vegas season premiere at 9 p.m. Wednesday, we’ve been counting down with daily musings on the show, its competitors and topics related to the Bravo phenomenon. Today, we investigate possible Top Chef spin-offs we’d like to see:

Top Barber Challenge: Contestants complete a haircut (with an Oster Classic 76 electric clipper) and shave (with a vintage P.Elshaw straight razor) in 30 minutes without any bloodshed. You need to make at least one barbershop-related joke, such as, “You know the difference between a nick and a cut? For a cut, we have a bucket.”

Top Mayor of Las Vegas Challenge: Attend four public events in a single day while gripping a brimming Bombay Sapphire martini with two women dressed as showgirls in tow. Make at least one comment that will cause those around you to halt and stare, like, “I think anyone who opposes the Mob Museum should be beaten with a baseball bat, dumped in a trunk and shipped to Mesquite!” Make sure at least one of these appearances actually takes place in the incorporated city of Las Vegas.

Top Valet Challenge: Attempt, with a straight face, to tell anyone trying to park who is not a hotel guest that, “Valet is full,” until they produce a payment of at least $20. Bonus points to anyone who reaches 50 mph in the garage, even over speedbumps, while returning a vehicle.

Top Desert Landscaper Challenge: Tear up and remove a 100-by-100 foot front yard of natural grass and replace it with tastefully placed crushed rock, cacti and at least one palm tree.

Top Mascot Challenge: Make an entire lap around the Orleans Arena while dressed as The Duke: no sitting, stopping for every photo request, and at some point find a cluster of visiting fans and dump a bucket of popcorn on their heads.

Top Cabbie Challenge: After picking up a fare at McCarran International Airport, convince the visitors of at least one outrageous fabrication that is part of Las Vegas lore. Example: Tell them there is an underground tunnel that connects Las Vegas, Nevada to Las Vegas, New Mexico. One bonus point for each mile out of the way you cart these visitors – turning a trip from McCarran to MGM Grand into a 30-mile odyssey should be an unbeatable accomplishment.

Top Casino Security Guard Challenge: For a single graveyard shift at any major resort, make sure NOBODY falls asleep in the sports book.

Top Stripper Challenge: Be the first to obtain a customer’s credit card and run it to its maximum limit before he realizes it’s missing and calls his wife on the East Coast to ask if anything funny is going on with his account.

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