Have you read the New York Times review of Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in Times Square? Did you giggle slightly when you realized critic Pete Wells had written the whole thing in rhetorical questions as a sort of open letter to Mr. Fieri? Then did you wince when you understood that this is the kind of letter you stop reading halfway through because you get the point already and it could cause years of expensive therapy and—ouch?!
Don’t have time to digest the full deboweling of Guy? We’ve done the hard work for you. Depending on how you feel about the UNLV grad, here are the best/worst digs from the Times’ utter trashing of Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar.
• "Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?"
• "Has anyone ever told you that your high-wattage passion for no-collar American food makes you television’s answer to Calvin Trillin, if Mr. Trillin bleached his hair, drove a Camaro and drank Boozy Creamsicles?"
• "When you cruise around the country for your show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, rasping out slangy odes to the unfancy places where Americans like to get down and greasy, do you really mean it? Or is it all an act? Is that why the kind of cooking you celebrate on television is treated with so little respect at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar?"
• "When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?"
• "And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?"