Las Vegas Weekly

Sexyspeak with stand-up Jim Gaffigan

Photo: Martin Crook

Give me the sexiest city you’ll be hitting on your Sexy Tour.

The sexiest city is the city that I’m in, obviously. When it comes to balding, 40-year-old, out-of-shape guys that are very pale, I’m bringing sexy to the foreground.

The sexiest thing about scoring Wendy’s as a sponsor.

It’s got to be the Baconator. I think it’s pretty ironic that you do these things and you never get to pick who your sponsor is. It’s weird to have a sponsor that I actually eat at. It’s sexy because I know Wendy’s loves me. They want to get with me.

Your sexiest film role to date.

I would have to say Super Troopers. I was the guy that they meowed at. It was obviously because I was sexy, you know?

The sexiest trait possessed by your My Boys character Andy Franklin.

The sexiest thing would be that he’s a married lawyer. ‘Cause that’s always sexy.

How sexy was your Beyond the Pale DVD before it went platinum and after it went platinum?

Well, it’s hard, because I feel like that’s why I called this tour the Sexy Tour. The last tour I was really keeping a lid on my sexy, you know, and now I’m letting it out. How am I not going to look like an asshole in this interview?

Can you make a case for Conan O’Brien the Pale Force crime-fighter being sexier than Conan O’Brien the talk-show host?

In Pale Force Conan is much sexier because he’s in those pink underwear. He’s very similar to how he is in real life, but the red-haired guys, that’s a tough road for the sexiness, you know what I mean? Being a pale guy who’s out of shape and bald, and has an oversized head, I have a natural advantage. Conan’s got a big head, too. The big head is always an advantage, I think.

How sexy do you envision the imaginary body that houses your “Inside Voice” to be?

That would be a sexy 70-year-old lady who probably uses a walker. But definitely a sexiness, eyes that have kind of a wild side.

If you were challenged with sexying up a manatee, what would your plan of attack be for giving it a makeover?

Well, I don’t think there’s anything about a manatee that doesn’t feel sexy to me. The body, the facial hair. The goatee? The manatee started that. The fins, very sexy. You always want to kind of cuddle up.

Which is the sexier food, bacon or Hot Pockets?

I would say bacon, because it’s less likely to cause diarrhea, and it is more likely to make people happy. It’s just obviously gonna lead to just some love, really. I mean, bacon equals love in a lot of ways. “Bacon” actually means “love” in a lot of languages.

Jim Gaffigan: The Sexy Tour. July 25, 8 p.m., $63.05. Mandalay Bay Theatre, 632-7777.