Las Vegas Weekly

Top 10 reasons a “Friday the 13th” remake is necessary

As far as we’re concerned, asking why the producers of Friday the 13th keep remaking their movie is like asking why McDonald’s keeps remaking Big Macs—they taste great, and we keep getting hungry. But if you remain unconvinced that the universe needs yet another flick about the world’s unhappiest summer camper, here are 10 reasons to persuade you:

10 Jason would like an opportunity to show today’s moviegoers that he really is scarier than Christian Bale.

9 The closest thing to a hip, iTunes-ready rock song on the original soundtrack features more banjos than guitars.

8 Recently introduced ultralightweight titanium camping spork from REI means there’s one sharp object on the planet Jason has yet to kill someone with.

7 Today’s sex-crazed, pot-smoking teens find little to relate to when watching the sex-crazed, pot-smoking teens of the 1980s.

6 Global warming gives nubile camp counselors a legitimate reason to wear even skimpier outfits before they get gutted.

5 State-of-the art carbon graphite hockey masks are lighter and better-ventilated than older models, promoting greater oxygen flow and thus more sustained killing power.

4 Even as a relatively young man, Jason had little tolerance for the antics of noisy, unruly teens unencumbered by adult supervision. Imagine how grumpy he’ll get now that he’s in his 50s.

3 It’s just a little too soon for a remake of Twilight.

2 Still no market for movies about saggy, leathery, sex-crazed, pot-smoking senior citizens getting systematically butchered at a run-down and spooky assisted-living facility.

1 Have you actually watched the original lately? It’s less gory than the average episode of American Idol.