Las Vegas Weekly

The Help Desk

Where we sort it all out for you

John Ensign admits to nine-month-long affair with campaign aide. However, he still hasn’t admitted to his nine-year-long screwing of the Nevada education system.

Husband of Ensign’s mistress sent e-mail to Fox News informing them of the affair. They didn’t do a story, but they did send the message down to their reality-television division.

Ensign: Ex-mistress’ husband made “exorbitant demands” for money. Hey, the guy’s a Republican. It was a reflex action!

MGM Grand workers agree to defer raises to 2010. What a coincidence—a lot of Nevadans have deferred their jobs to, well, infinity.

Patti LuPone stops Las Vegas show momentarily to scold texting audience member. Funny, we never figured Jim Gibbons for a fan of Broadway tunes.

Paris Hilton calls culture in Dubai “much classier than Las Vegas.” Apparently getting shitfaced, giggling like an idiot and calling everything “hot” is held in high regard there.

Nevada state senator resigning to become lobbyist because he was “victim of the economy.” Well, it was either that or have his wife sleep with John Ensign and demand exorbitant amounts of cash, but that job was already taken.