Las Vegas Weekly

The Justice League of Porn: A chat with AVN Awards Show co-host Dave Attell

Dave Attell

Illustration: Ryan Olbrysh

You visited the AVN Awards in the Las Vegas episode of Insomniac. Did you ever think one day you’d make the leap to co-host?

I dreamed one day of just getting in! They wouldn’t let us in; that thing is locked down tighter than an airport. No cameras; it’s very hush-hush what goes on in there. They’re like the Justice League. But of porn. ’Cause they also help people. They’re out there making it good for guys like me, a sad, old, bald fuck. The last thing I hosted in Vegas was the Rock Paper Scissors competition. So if it’s half as sexy as that ...

AVN founder Paul Fishbein said, “Dave is one of my favorite comedians. We wanted him to host our show for some time now, and we’re thrilled that he’s coming to the Palms with us this year.” Have you been asked to host before?

They asked me before, and this time it all made sense. You’ve gotta give it up for porn, because in this economy, there’s few things that actually deliver what they promise and porn always does. And they’re hurting, too. A lot of jobs have gone overseas, like Filipino Ladyboys. I think we’re gonna win it back, though. Homegrown!

Have previous comedic co-hosts like Doug Stanhope, Jim Norton, or Greg Fitzsimmons offered any advice?

I talked to Greg about it, and he said, “Whatever you do, don’t be married.”

How are you preparing for your duties, mentally or physically?

I’m preparing for it emotionally. I’ve had sex with pretty much everyone in that room. Not real sex, but fantasy/virtual/Internet sex, so it could be a little awkward. Wait, let me start again. How am I preparing for the gig? I’m getting a full-body wax. An emotional full-body wax. And afterward, to cleanse the palate, I’m not going to masturbate for an entire week. I’m going to detox. Like the Lemonade Diet.

Is there any performer you’d be star-struck to meet offstage?

[Director] Pierre Woodman, because I look just like him. He’s a French-Euro guy who did Private Casting. If he ever wants someone to play him—not the sex scenes, but the other parts—I could do that. That would be a dream. But I like them all. I feel like we’re the same kind of people: late-night, drinking-crowd type people. Only they’re muscled, Greek Adonises. They’re gods.

Are you familiar with the work of your co-hosts, Kirsten Price and Kayden Kross?

It’s a three-way! I’m the ugly guy in between the two hot chicks. Kayden I’ve seen in many, many movies. She truly is a star. People throw that word around a lot, but she really is. I’m just the guy they’re gonna fast-forward through. I’m going to talk very, very slowly so people will get my jokes. I’m just a very small part in an amazing, spectacular event.

Do you have any personal favorites you’re pulling for in any of the categories?

As the host I don’t think it’s right. I’m going to be very non-partial, like the U.N. But I will definitely be pulling for myself in my hotel room after the show.

What kind of swag does someone get for a gig like this?

I don’t know. Hopefully a cock ring, at least.

What are your after-party plans?

There’s nothing worse than bombing in front of people and then partying with them. But the Palms is a sweet ride; first-class all the way. I just hope I can get in.

How does the career milestone stack up alongside, say, your first Letterman or Entertainment Weekly naming you one of the 25 Funniest People in America?

That was like 25 years ago. I’ve got to get rid of that credit. But here’s what I want to say: “I think it’s great that you guys get a comic, one who’s been on the road for years and years and years, who’s gone back to a hotel, drunk and alone, and turned on SpectraVision or the Spice Channel. We’re lonely, depressed losers who spend our lives trying to make drunks laugh. That rarely leads to actual sex, so you guys fill the void. Thank you. Thank you very much.” Really, I’ve seen more porn than I’ve read books, seen movies, plays and done anything else in my life. Except masturbate. I can’t believe they’re paying me.