Las Vegas Weekly

What would Forrest do?

UFC star Forrest Griffin shows you how to solve everyday problems through acts of aggression

Photo: Leila Navidi

Some guy bets against you in your next fight...

This is clearly unacceptable behavior. Action is called for. Now, you could beat the guy senseless, of course, but what would he learn from that—and you definitely support education. So you school him by tearing up his betting slip (he would’ve lost anyway, because you’re winning that fight) and making him cry like a little girl.

Dude tries to jack your bottle in a nightclub...

Hold on! You paid a lot of money for that $30 hooch, and now D. Ouche Bagg here is making a grab for it. First, of course, you register annoyance at having to deal with this instead of grooving to the DJ. Then you reclaim your booze with a quick alpha-male move, and finish with a little bottle service of your own.

Cell-blabbing driver cuts you off...

Bad move. Chatty Cathy had better be on the line with 1-800-HELPMEOHGODHELPME, because he’s about to become a crash-test dumbass. After a quick appetizer of his skull, you make him eat his words. Wait, he was talking to his girlfriend? Great: “Hey, girl! When you’re ready to trade up from wuss to incredibly manly fighter, call me. On this phone.”

Weirdo tries to hand you and your girl porn on the strip...

Can’t he see you’re with a classy woman? Her lips are saying “Don’t worry about it,” but her eyes are insisting, “Defend my honor!” A slammin’ roundhouse right and pervy goes down, hard. And when she isn’t looking, why not grab a little product for later? For those times you don’t want a classy woman ...

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