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[Holiday Survival Guide]

Three tips for the apocalypse

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Apocalypse now? Probably not …

Gear

If you insist on buying your loved one something flammable (e.g., a tie, a jacket, one of those lumberjack beard beanies) or something meltable (a Wii U, a smartphone, a puppy), at least buy a nuclear holocaust-proof, 4-inch-thick safe to go with it. But if you really want to show that you care—that you truly love him or her from the bottom of your heart—pick up a gas mask ($45) at the Zombie Apocalypse Store (3420 Spring Mountain Road, 866-784-7882). And a crossbow ($150). Sound scary? Well, it’s less frightening than the alternative: everybody else running around firing arrows at each other as your loved one sits there, balled up, in a lumberjack beard beanie, waiting to die.

Grub

You always go into the holiday season thinking, I’m not going to stuff myself. I’m going to eat until I’m full, and that’s it. This year, that doesn’t apply. Your goal is to eat as much as possible. Prepare for hibernation. Normally we’d suggest stocking up on Twinkies, but ever since Hostess went out of business, the spongy cream cakes have been going for $5,000 a pop on eBay. So your best bet is to stock up on Sensa. It won’t keep you alive, but it will keep you feeling full.

Booze

Obviously, you’ll defend yourself better if you’re sober. But your odds of survival are already pretty bad, so go ahead and have that fourth glass of eggnog. In fact, spike your ’nog with Bacardi 151 first, then chug it. And the rum is good for more than just getting sloshed. Keep some 151 around for starting fires. There are three things apocazombies don’t like: chainsaws, liquid nitrogen and fire.

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