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Politics

The disillusioned voters’ guide to moving to Canada

You promised you would hit the road if your candidate lost …

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Meet your new countrymen!
Jason Harris

It happened! Your candidate lost. And now you have no choice but to stick to your guns and actually move to Canada! So pack up, loser, it’s off to the Great White North for you.

Step 1: Find roommates. You were going to bring your two brothers, but one was convicted of war crimes and the other has a DUI; both offenses make it nearly impossible to get into Canada. In short, you’re screwed. Better hope Canadian Craigslist is a little less murder-y than the U.S. version.

Step 2: Learn the laws of the land.

A. “Comic books which depict any illegal acts are banned.” Load up on those Archie back issues, nerd. No superheroes allowed, except professional wrestling legend Bret “The Hitman” Hart, likely the most popular Canadian athlete of all-time.

B. “You may not pay for a 50-cent item with only pennies.” How else are you supposed to pay for all those 50-cent items you plan on buying?!

On the bright side ...

C. “If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.” What could possibly go wrong with this law?

Step 3: Hockey alert! You’re already a big hockey fan, so where better to live than the True North Strong and Free, eh? Oh, right. The game Maple Leafs live and die for is on strike, and it looks like there won’t be a season. At least you can go cry about it at the World’s Largest Hockey Stick and Puck in Duncan on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. It measures 205 feet long and weighs 61,000 pounds. Overcompensating much, World’s Largest Hockey Stick and Puck designers?

Step 4: Move to a town with a sexually explicit name. So maybe life in Canada is tougher than you thought, but at least you live in a town that will make you laugh every time you open an envelope. Here’s a selection of Canuck sexy towns for you to choose from: Blow Me Down, Conception Bay, Shag Harbor, Crotch Lake, Climax, Spuzzum and of course, Dildo. And if Dildo isn’t doing it for you, maybe South Dildo will get the job done.

Getting nervous? Don’t worry. It’s only four more years till the next election.

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