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[Love & Sex Issue 2014]

Local entertainers share their worst first dates

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Illustration: Christine Montoya

Maren Wade

Performer in Vegas! The Show and America’s Got Talent

I remember when this guy spotted me out in a club like a magical moment from a romance movie. He was so gorgeous, way out of my league. It all happened in slow motion as our eyes locked onto each other while he walked toward me. In my peripheral vision, I could see all the girls in his vicinity were turning their heads to look at him as he passed by them to get to me. He asked me out, and I couldn’t have felt more special.

On our first date, we went out to dinner, talked and flirted. It quickly became my best first date ever. He drove me home, and just as I was getting out of his car, a figure moved toward me out of the dark street. Suddenly I was being held up at gunpoint by a masked villain just as I was saying goodbye to my dreamy date. I heard the robber say, “Give it to me,” referring to my purse. I was in such shock, I actually said “no” and ran around my date’s car as if to protect myself from the bullets he might shoot at me. The robber clumsily followed me around the car (in hindsight, he seemed very inexperienced), hoping to get my purse. Finally, I dropped it at the back of the car and ran for dear life to hide behind a bush. When the robber reached the back of the car and bent to pick up my purse, my date suddenly put his car in reverse and hit the robber just hard enough to scare him into running off. As if I didn’t think my date was hot enough, he was now officially my hero.

So why did I classify this as my “worst first date”? Well, as I later found out, my date had staged the whole thing. Apparently, he was really into movies. He did tell me he was an actor; I just didn’t realize how dedicated he was to his craft.

Graham Fenton

Performer in Jersey Boys

I made a move on this hot girl in college when I was really drunk at a party. I had been infatuated with her for a year. At the end of the night, we all crashed in the living room of my friend’s apartment, and as soon as the lights were out, I made sure I ended up next to her. I went in for a kiss and was promptly shoved away. I then proceeded to stumble to the bathroom, but not until I had puked all over my friend who was asleep on the floor. In the morning, everyone thought he had puked on himself in the night and I was too embarrassed to set the record straight.

P.S.: That hot girl is now my wife.

Christopher Daniels

Adult film star

Three months after I broke up with my partner of four and a half years, I decided it was time to get back into dating. I met this gorgeous Italian man from Las Vegas online and he asked me out. He was stunning and seemed nice, so I said yes, and we went for dinner. Within 10 minutes of sitting down, he told me how he had been very depressed lately, was considering going back on anti-depressants and he couldn’t stand his job or family. He was somehow deeply involved in his family business and had no way out, and he talked about how much he loathed his father. He seemed near tears the entire time, and I couldn’t stop thinking, “Isn’t this a bit heavy for a first date?” Dinner ended and he asked the server to split the check because he wanted to put his half on a gift card. I was not (and am not) a dating expert, but this was a little nuts. From that moment on, my first dates will only consist of coffee or a possible cocktail. Quick and easy with a slight buzz!

Penny Pibbets

Performer in Absinthe

I went on a date with a homeless person once, but I didn’t know he was homeless at first. When I first met up with him he was wearing an aluminum hat, but I just thought that it was a silly new style like skinny jeans or douchey Ed Hardy shirts. Then when he walked me around the block and asked if I wanted garbage fries, it made me even more suspicious. The conversation wasn’t bad though, he had a real interesting point of view, and for some reason he had an intense hatred for Shelly Long. I haven’t talked to him since, but I still follow him on Twitter.

Paul Lopez

Tightrope performer in Absinthe

I decided to take this woman to a movie, so I threw on jeans and a T-shirt, possibly a dirty one, but what do you want? I was a 25-year-old bachelor. She decided to wear a leather corset with tight leather pants, and her boobs were at her neck, makeup fully done. We get to the movie theater and she is turning heads, and as I am paying, I hear the young voices of two of my circus students, ages 9 and 12, saying hello. I then have to introduce her to them and their dad. While the two students were staring at her overly exposed cleavage with wide, innocent eyes, their father just looks at her and then at me and nods his head with a smile. I went to sit down and as I was planning to make a move, I look to my left and see the students’ mother, who greeted me. She looked at my date and then, with really big smile, winks and laughs at me. Needless to say, I didn’t make a move and didn’t have another date with her.

Paul Shortino

Performer in Raiding the Rock Vault

I took a girl out for dinner, and she said she had separated from her husband. Had a few cocktails, took her home, thought I was going to get lucky, and we walked in on her husband in bed with another man. Can you say awkward? And, no, I did not get lucky.

Frankie Moreno

Singer

Worst first date I’ve ever been on was my actual first date. I had just gotten my driver’s license and picked up a girl for the first time. I was driving a stick shift and could barely get the car moving. She just kinda sat there and stared at me as I drove her around for an hour or so. Ended up just driving her home and that was that. Then I ran out of gas. Ha!

Carol-Lyn Liddle

Performer in Raiding the Rock Vault

I went on a blind date with a guy and met at a Mexican restaurant. We sat at the bar. After two drinks he asked me ever so matter-of-factly, if I was “shaved.” I changed the subject and acted like I didn’t hear him. He then slammed his hand down on the bar and screamed, “Don’t change the subject, answer the question!” I should’ve put my big black boot up his ass, but instead I just got the hell out of there.

Felice Garcia

Performer in Million Dollar Quartet

He suggested the trendy restaurant in the swanky hotel with the hip DJ. And since I’m always in the mood for steak and good wine, I accepted. As much as I love having to yell over music that changes tunes every 17 seconds, I didn’t have to on this date, because the guy was mostly talking about himself. Here’s some of the information I learned but didn’t care about nor need to know: His suit cost over $2,000 and it’s one of five suits he owns; how many designer items he purchased for his ex-wife when they were married; and how much the surgery cost for his dog’s broken leg. Three glasses of wine, appetizers, steak, dessert and after-dinner cocktails later, he couldn’t tell you what I did for a living. But he probably could’ve told you how much my shoes cost ($49 on sale). When the bill came, his eyes almost popped out of his head. Of course, I offered to pay for my half of the bill, but he insisted on covering it because it was his choice of venue and he ordered most of the food for us. I guess Mr. Money Bags didn’t have all the money after all. Loaded or not, I wasn’t impressed.

Frank Marino

Creator of Divas

The worst first date I ever had was when my partner, Alex, and I had a six-month separation during our 20-year relationship and I went on The Millionaire Matchmaker. The guy got so drunk that he ended up throwing up on his cat and turned to me and said, “I don’t remember eating that.” The worst part about that was that it was on TV for the world to see, but I did end up getting a lot of sympathy from the viewers.

Martin Kaye

Performer in Million Dollar Quartet

So I agreed to go on a blind date with this girl who was a friend of a mate of mine. He had talked her up, so I was looking forward to a nice evening. However, it was my first blind date ever, so naturally, I was a little apprehensive. Well, it started out pretty well, conversation flowed fairly naturally and we seemed to get along. I was obviously paying, being the gentleman that I am, so I told her that no expense was being spared and that she should order whatever she wanted. I thought I was referring to her choice of food—apparently, she took this to mean the entire drink menu.

She proceeded to order drink after drink—wine, cocktails, martinis, more wine ... and more cocktails. I drank two glasses of wine while it seemed like she had an entire town’s worth of alcohol. She also thought I would love to hear stories about how her last relationship started, blossomed and then ultimately failed due to—surprise, surprise!—her excessive drinking. She genuinely seemed surprised by this fate. ... To top off this wonderful evening, she stumbled to the bathroom and didn’t come back for about 10 minutes. I went to find out if she was okay, and it turns out she was wrapped around the toilet seat, throwing up everything that had just entered her ridiculously intoxicated system. I managed to get her into a taxi home, but we did not see each other ever again. Even if we passed each other on the street, I don’t think she would remember me ... or anything about that tragically awful night.

Michael T. Ross

Performer in Raiding the Rock Vault

I flew to Mexico City, took a bus to Acapulco and met my date at a club. We drank tequila, then left and I puked all over her in the cab, then took her home. Another time, I went to the drive-in on a first date to see Child’s Play. I fell asleep and when I woke up, everyone was gone, including my date.

Robin McAuley

Performer in Raiding the Rock Vault

My worst first date was back in ’88 with only a few months on U.S. soil. Somehow I got this girl to agree to take a trip to Catalina for the weekend. While en route down the 405 to San Pedro (in a rental), I remembered that I had no form of ID on me. I explained to my companion that we needed to turn back and get my passport, to which she replied, “Huh! We’re only going to Catalina, no passport required and we’re already late!” Arguing the point and by now getting my “Irish Up,” I exited the freeway and headed back to West Hollywood, having no idea which way to go without her help. She, by the way, was not speaking to me at this point. I got my passport (which I actually did not need), and when we made it to Catalina she insisted she have her own room. We had dinner and drinks that evening and I eventually decided a chopper ride back to the mainland was the best way to go. We sped out of each other’s way and it was the right decision. That was that, I’m afraid. I covered my embarrassment and out-of-pocket expenses with a Band-Aid and a boys’ night out at The Rainbow Bar & Grill. Best Long Island Iced Tea ever! “Once Bitten Twice Shy,” said the song in my head.

John Payne

Performer in Raiding the Rock Vault

I have no worst first date. It always starts so well. I do, however, have a worst last date. After moving to the U.S. some 10 years ago, I went back to the U.K. for a Christmas family get-together. While there I decided to pay a visit to my ex in Wales. She’d invited me to stay for the weekend. On arrival, I set up my laptop, sent a few emails, and went down to the local pub to meet some old friends for beers. On arriving back to her house, somewhat buzzed, she opened the door and was scantily clad. “Have I got a surprise for you,” she said, as she led me upstairs to the bedroom. I was swiftly tied to the bed, smiling like a Cheshire cat. Upon being straddled by said ex, she exclaimed, “Who is the girl on your computer from Panama?” I hesitated and said, “Er, I’m not sure,” nervously. “Well, perhaps I can jog your memory,” she said, brandishing a 9-inch carving knife. “I’m gonna cut your dick off.” As the room became blurry (she’d laced my wine with sleeping tablets) she put down the knife and went to the kitchen to get some scissors. Luckily, I got free of my ties and scarpered half-naked into the cold Welsh evening. A very close call had me nearly joining the Bobbitt club. Lesson learned, chaps. Don’t leave your computer open while at an ex’s, and don’t go to Panama!

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