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Nightlife

Nightlife Glossary: An Addendum

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Baguette
Illustrations by Charlene Chua

We figure if the Associated Press can issue a yearly Stylebook, so can the Weekly. Behold, your Nightlife Dictionary Addendum.

The Artful Dodge: The act of texting as if from still inside a club long after having gone home so as to preserve one’s image as a hard-partying mover and shaker. See also: Clubbing after 30.

Baguette (short for Douchebaguette): The female equivalent of a douchebag, easily spotted by her unevenly orange skin, refusal to pay for anything, unnecessary cruelty to anyone not wearing designer togs and personality of an empty can of sugar-free Red Bull. Often seen in club photos with A) her tongue down her best girlfriend’s throat or B) the photographer’s business card wedged between her implants. See also: Nano-Mini, below.

Bass-F--ker (aka Speaker-Tweaker): One who uses the sound waves of a high-output bass speaker to attain sexual gratification.

Birthday: The perfect excuse to throw a party in every nightclub in town and get a full-page glossy ad in the Weekly regardless of celebrity status or complete lack thereof (no one knows the difference these days anyway).

Blender Bender: Summer pool party drink-fest-palooza.

Booth: The VIP booth or table is the mecca of the nightlife industry and also its financial lifeblood. See? There is still money to be made in real estate, even in Las Vegas.

Booze Barrier: A human shield employed to protect a VIP table and bottle from stumbling-drunk women. See also: Cinderella, below.

Brew-Gooder: A good Samaritan who brings you another beer while you’re still working on one just because he was heading up to the bar and figured you might still need liquid courage before speaking to the woman you’ve been staring at all night.

Carpe Noctem: Latin for “Seize the night.” Battle cry of the overeducated party-goer.

Casting Call:

A) Mass hiring for all service positions including bartenders, cocktail servers, VIP hosts, bar backs, etc.

B) Occasionally used as a grassroots marketing method of getting the word out about a club with the industry crowd; no one actually gets hired, but everyone leaves excited about the venue.

C) Nightlife event created around the presence of one individual with a vague connection to a media source who likely has no hiring power whatsoever but will be “on the lookout for new talent” for a reality-TV show, American Pie-style movie or photo spread.

Champagne: Truth serum.

Cinderella: Stumbling-drunk girl wearing one shoe. The result of getting “shoe-throwing drunk.”

Co-Lurker:

A) That one person in the office who pries into your weekend clubbing plans, then shows up there acting surprised at the coincidence and sticks to you like glue for the remainder of the evening so as to collect business cards from all of your friends.

B) A nightlife-industry employee who works at the same club as you, but may secretly be lurking behind the nearest oversized decorative urn or tapestry in an effort to pick up industry gossip for his or her blog, another club or a media outlet.

Dance Decoy: One underwhelmingly attractive female kept outside a circle of dancing girls to deflect unwanted male attention as if to say, “Move along, sailor, nothing to see here.” See also: Scarecrow.

Dining With a Scene: The act of barely eating while craning your neck from a booth to see who is and who is not at this restaurant, which is too loud to hear your dining partner thanks to the DJ in the corner. Usually connected to a nightclub or lounge or itself the product of a nightlife company. Often the first stop for whichever celebrity is hosting the club that night.

Don Johnson

Don Johnson

Don Johnson (aka Geriatric): The creepy older guy at the club who looks like he should be sporting a walker and an AARP membership but instead is wearing hip club threads (often pastel and paired with pointy Italian, white leather loafers) and hits on every 20-something who passes by or passes out. See also: Trying too hard.

Drinking: Primary activity at nightspots.

A) Wishful drinking: “He’s ugly.” (downs a shot) “Nope, still ugly.” (another shot) “Hmmm, what did he say he drives?” (shot) “So, which hotel are you staying at?”

B) Fringe drinking: Imbibing outside of one’s usual haunts.

DUFFy: Designated Ugly Fat Friend: Taken from a song from the now-defunct local band The KickWurmz. Also called the grenade, she is the best, last and only line of defense for men looking to get laid. The strategy is for the odd man out to attend to the DUFFy while the rest of the party falls upon the hotter ladies in a group.

Faux-’mo: Pretending to be gay to exit an awkward social situation. Recommended only when a local is certain he or she is being accosted by a tourist or vice-versa. Also, pretending to be gay to attract a nightclub photographer’s attention.

Faux-bono:

A) Pretending to have someone’s best interests at heart while secretly plotting to get them naked (aka the average man’s modus operandi).

B) The offer of free or “comped” food or beverage that turns out to cost a fortune in obligatory tips.

Free-ballin’:

A) Leaving the house in pants but without undergarments.

B) Getting the VIP treatment for free. In other words, living the dream and not paying for a bit of it, ya’ hear me, son? Werd.

Grazing: Going from party to party for free appetizers in lieu of a proper dinner. ee also: Whore D’Oeuvres, below.

Hit ’n run: Stopping by a party for just the time it takes to be checked off the list, down one cocktail, “be seen” and get photographed at the party.

Nano-mini

Nano-mini

Hot:

A) The determining factor in whether or not a VIP host will let a group of girls into a club, booth or VIP area for free.

B) A word predominantly forbidden to VIP hosts, thereby substituted with the act of checking out a girl’s MySpace/Facebook page from a company-issued Blackberry.

Magic Suit (submitted by Kalika Moquin): That which gives a VIP host his power, and every woman the desire to bed him. Removal of the Magic Suit and the matching earpiece—thus revealing a farmer’s tan and budding beer gut—results in the woman shrieking, “Put it back on!”

Nano-Mini: The next generation of miniskirt and micro-mini, the nano-mini is an even smaller and shorter skirt or dress (i.e., a thin strip of fabric), just barely—and often not even—covering a female club-goer’s hooha. See also: hooker and aspiring model.

Not Spots: The opposite of Hot Spots. You know who you are.

Paycheck: The only reason celebrities agree to show up at parties.

Prostitot

Prostitot

Prostitot: An underage female who wears too much makeup and not enough clothes, then sneaks into a club to make out with everyone. Telltale signs include jewelry from Claire’s, Capri cigarettes and an infuriatingly tiny purse.

Pseudosocialite: Someone who works within the industry and has connections with many important people, but doesn’t give a rat’s ass about carrying the latest overpriced handbag or owning a miniature dog. Also has an amazing ability to hold her liquor and actively avoids potentially embarrassing drama with members of the opposite (and sometimes the same) sex. She cannot hook you up with free bottle service, so please stop asking. See also: Deanna Rilling.

Single and Ready to Mingle: Battle cry of the recently divorced or broken-up; a giddy, wild-child phase of personal rediscovery. Unpredictable in the presence of alcohol, volatile around cutesy couples and prone to acquiring cats. Most often found in the company of chocolate, vodka and herds of equally giddy, inebriated best girlfriends. In the Hamptons: “Solo and ready to polo.” See also: Xania Woodman.

Spotted: While it normally implies that a celebrity was caught in the act of dining at Spago or shopping at Intermix, public relations firms employ “Spotted” and “Appearance” even when the celebrity was paid to attend or host an event which would normally negate the idea that the spotting was unplanned.

Staycation: The act of remaining in Vegas over a holiday weekend or taking time off from work and staying in town; over Thanksgiving, locals who remain are playfully referred to as “Orphans.”

SWAG: Literally, Stuff We All Get. This is the random, useless flotsam and jetsam such as fliers and bad shades of lip gloss tossed into a pretty bag by PR firms and given out after big events as a reward for even showing up and staying to the very end.

Ugly Lights: The moment of shock and awe when a nightclub turns up the lighting, signaling that it’s time to go. Often results in horror and quickly made-up excuses about an early morning as couples who were just moments ago entangled realize who—or what—they’ve been cuddling up to in the dark.

Watches & Crotches:

A) Weekly contributing writer Jack Colton’s bowling persona.

B) The “Thinking Man” pose most often struck by overly intellectual males in club photos in which the chin rests nonchalantly on the fist, thus displaying his watch, and the elbow rests on the out-turned knee, thus displaying his crotch. Both, he thinks, are his best features.

Whore D’Oeuvres: People within the local media who insist on being invited to everything or who just show up to media events that are clearly not within their realm of coverage to mooch free food, drinks and gift bags (i.e., a movie blogger at a nightclub opening).

The Womack (aka The Gene Simmons): Named for photographer/blogger Jeremy Womack, any nightclub photo pose that involves a combination of winking, sticking out your tongue and doing something naughty with your fingers. See also: LasVegasNightlifeNetwork.com.

Wristband: The human equivalent of tagging cattle to separate the prime from the chuck, the wheat from the chaff, the bes from the wannabes.

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