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Paging Dr. House (Party)

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No line, no cover, no dress code—house parties are great. If you’re thinking about throwing one this spring, here is some vital intel:

1. Hide your valuables. Especially if you’re expecting randoms or friends-of-friends-of-friends. Better in the safe than sorry.

2. Skimp on food. Your friends are there to drink, not dine. Take the money you were going to spend on snacks and invest in Goldschläger and Sambuca.

3. Make it a red-carpet affair. With a couple yards of red flannel duct-taped to your front hall- way, your friends will feel like movies stars. Or at the very least they’ll wipe their feet.

4. Take lots of pictures. But only post the best 15 percent on Facebook. That way, when your “friends” who “couldn’t” make your party because they were “feeling under the weather” click through your Facebook photo album, they’ll kick themselves for ditching your once-in-a-lifetime soiree.

5. Consider a theme. Everybody loves dressing up in costume! Well, except for the many, many people who hate it. But you don’t want those people at your party. They’re no fun. In fact, even if you’re not actually planning to throw a costume party, you should still claim that you are in order to keep these uninspired downers away from your bash.

6. Put on a show. Got a friend who can juggle? Another who can put her feet behind her head? One who can juggle while her feet are behind her head? Put them to work for you. A short, informal performance will give your guests something to talk about the following day, aside from how terrible Goldschläger tastes.

7. Put cleaning off for a day. When you wake up the following morning at 4 p.m., don’t start cleaning up right away. You deserve a break. So drive to IHOP and grab breakfast. Trust me, the mess ain't going anywhere.

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Rick Lax

Rick wrote the books Fool Me Once: Hustlers, Hookers, Headliners, and How Not to Get Screwed in Vegas and Lawyer ...

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