Greg Beato

Story Archive

Steven Seagal to the rescue: Can the hybrid "Lawman" send television down a new path?; Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2010; "My name is Steven Seagal and you're under arrest."
The inescapable Oprah: Even if she really goes, she’ll never actually be gone ... ever; Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2009; Oprah will still be with us everywhere, the earth’s third most common element, right after oxygen and silicon.
Levi Johnston's fun with fame: Why the lady-killa from Wasilla might be an actual star in the making; Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009; Levi Johnston, the lady-killa from Wasilla, is taking baby steps towards showbiz.
Stealing without tweeting: How the Hollywood Burglar Bunch muffed its shot at big-time exposure; Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2009; The Hollywood Burglar Bunch illuminates celebrity’s diminishing grip on us all.
E-cigs: politically correct political incorrectness?: Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2009; Leo DiCaprio, Tom Petty and everyone’s favorite style icon, Kevin Federline, have all been photographed “vaping” in public. E-cigs are the new Obey T-shirts.
Vince Vaughn: Pound-for-pound box office champion: Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2009; In Hollywood, there are career penalties to pay for getting fat. Unless you're Vince Vaughn.
The ups and downs of caffeinated booze: If they do stop it, can’t we just combine ’em ourselves?; Wednesday, Sept. 30, 2009; BooYa Tequila, Freaky Ice Vodka, Moonshot Beer, Gravity ShotPak Vodka: It’s perfectly legal to have caffeine in your goofy alcoholic beverage. So, why are state attorneys general trying to ban the stuff?
Hummers for your feet!: Workwear couture will turn your white collar blue—all it takes is a wad of green; Thursday, Sept. 17, 2009; If it seems a little ironic that slender urban saplings are dressing like Paul Bunyan and the Marlboro Man, well, so what?
Diamonds are a ghoul’s best friend: Staying connected, even in death; Thursday, Sept. 3, 2009; Being turned into kitty litter and dumped in a glorified spittoon doesn’t sound all that glamorous. But that’s old cremation technology. Today, even the frumpiest corpse is a literal diamond in the rough.
Peace, love ... and texting: Looking back through the glass at TRL’s pop-culture revolution; Thursday, Aug. 20, 2009; Looking back through the glass at TRL’s pop-culture revolution
Girdles ... for men: Drink beer and look slim, thanks to the wondrous mirdle; Thursday, Aug. 6, 2009; They eliminate inches in seconds. They’re surprisingly comfortable. They’re flying off the shelves at trend-setting retailers: They are Mirdles - girdles for guys.
Baking up ... cars?: Times are tough in America, but you wouldn’t know it watching cake TV; Thursday, July 23, 2009; How bad can things be, really, when we have not one, not two, but three cable TV series about bakers who make extremely complicated and expensive cakes?
A comeback America actually needs: Lance Armstrong is at it again, for all the right reasons; Thursday, July 9, 2009; Which is more inspiring? Overcoming cancer to win the Tour de France, or overcoming prolonged exposure to Matthew McConaughey to accomplish the same feat?
Porn’s highs and lows: Mainstream as it might be, it still has dirty little secrets; Thursday, June 18, 2009; Scan the newspaper headlines, and you might think these are boom times for porn stars. Alas, it’s not all hip Hollywood premieres and political temperature-taking for the nation’s carnal professionals.
Big bucks for famous bricks: Celebrity collectibles: a strange new form of recycling; Thursday, June 4, 2009; Elvis left the building long ago, but his nasal douche remains and is being offered to the highest bidder. So are 30 pairs of Ann Miller’s false eyelashes and two bricks from Marilyn Monroe’s patio.
Go ahead, rough the passer. Please!: Lingerie football, and the end of civilization as we know it; Thursday, May 21, 2009; Hot women, clad in little more than panties, knee pads and a hard protective shell of spray-on tan. What’s not to like?
Charging for bread: In the face of an atrocity, self-doubt creeps in; Thursday, May 7, 2009; It was bad enough when pizza places started charging for delivery. Now, all across the land, restaurants have begun making their patrons pay for the bread they once enjoyed for free.
She-sweets: Fling is a candy bar for women ... or is it for someone else?; Thursday, April 23, 2009; Fling’s fingers are imbued with a faint metallic pink shimmer that straddles the line between “amusingly chic” and “scrumptiously contaminated.” If you haven’t guessed yet, Fling is aimed at women.
Generation patient: Why the young are so damn willing to wait; Thursday, April 9, 2009; Today’s tweens and teens are totally fine with deferred gratification. Maybe it's all that Ritalin.
What’s up, Doc?: TV rehab dude, heal thyself!; Thursday, March 26, 2009; Dr. Drew needs an intervention, and he needs one now. Everywhere he looks, he sees screwed-up celebrities. Or MySpace wannabe superstars who model their behavior on screwed-up celebrities. I
Over the top: Coffee served by the half-nude: a slippery slope; Thursday, March 12, 2009; If you spend a lot of time in coffee shops and a lot of time in strip clubs, the idea of combining the two might seem appealing.
One strange Sidekick: Six Degrees spotlights Paris Hilton associate Darnell Riley; Thursday, March 5, 2009; In February 2005, when a million Internet voyeurs were poring over the contents of Paris Hilton’s hacked Sidekick, one name piqued the attention of Hollywood journalist Mark Ebner: Darnell Ryley.
Curses! (every last one in The Sopranos): Exhuming—and examining—every last swear word from The Sopranos; Thursday, Feb. 26, 2009; Want to see 86 episodes of The Sopranos meticulously mined and compiled into a montage of nearly 5,000 curse words screamed, spat and muttered on the show? Or course!
Mad man: Applauding Christian Bale, for living up to his actorly responsibilities; Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009; If you’ve listened to the audio clip of Christian Bale's eruption on the set of Terminator: Salvation, then you know that Bale understands that a movie star’s job isn’t just about acting, but also about living the life to which everyone else aspires.
Top 10 reasons a "Friday the 13th" remake is necessary: Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009; As far as we’re concerned, asking why the producers of Friday the 13th keep remaking their movie is like asking why McDonald’s keeps remaking Big Macs—they taste great, and we keep getting hungry.
Gimme even more: Will Britney’s three-volume opus reveal anything we don’t already know?; Thursday, Jan. 29, 2009; "I think I’m ready for my close-up,” Britney Spears intones on her latest album, joylessly, mechanically, as if being the center of attention is now about as appealing to her as spending 72 hours locked inside an oil drum with Dr. Phil.
The Nice Age: Will our ’net-inspired malevolence recede under new management?; Thursday, Jan. 15, 2009; After the last inaugural balloon disappears into the heavens like a January 2008 campaign promise and the “Yes, we can!” era officially begins, what’s going to happen to public discourse?
Marking time: Why are calendars thriving while the world crumbles around them?; Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2008; What if eight-track tapes were a billion-dollar business today, more popular than iPods and Zunes? Would that be any stranger than the fact that U.S. consumers have purchased millions and millions of calendars in the last few weeks?
The beat goes on: Expressing oneself through music torture programming; Thursday, Dec. 18, 2008; Music torture, one of the War on Terror’s most enduring hits, made headlines again last week. Apparently there is no Army-wide playlist or programming strategy that determines what songs get utilized. Soldiers are simply encouraged to make selections from their own private collections.
Star search: Why are so many top-tier actors fleeing the screen?; Thursday, Dec. 4, 2008; Why are so many major movie stars fleeing the screen? Apparently it’s less fun than generally imagined to spend a couple of months in an exotic locale once or twice a year, eating catered food in luxurious trailers and having your hair styled for hours on end.
Glampire weekend: Remember when the undead looked hideous? No more!; Thursday, Nov. 20, 2008; Robert Pattinson, the young English star of the new movie Twilight, plays Edward Cullen, an ageless blood-sucking hottie with the creamy pallor of a slightly consumptive Abercrombie & Fitch model and stylishly haunted hair.
AC/DC, we salute you: Rockers’ career amounts to a celebration of stagnation; Thursday, Nov. 6, 2008; Are you tired of change? Are you fed up with extreme makeovers, disruptive innovation, the constant pressure to extend your product line? You may feel alone, out of step, defective in a world that prizes self-improvement above all else. But at least you still have AC/DC, the patron saints of high-voltage complacency, to believe in.
Ex-Dubya: The first 100 days of former president George W. Bush; Thursday, Nov. 6, 2008; On January 21, George W. Bush starts his new career as an ex-president. How will President Bush spend his time?
Mad in America: You wouldn’t like us when we’re angry; Thursday, Oct. 23, 2008; Not only is our Diet Coke tastier than the zero-calorie beverages earlier generations had to endure, but you can also get it with vitamins. Even though we have so many reasons to be happy, fulfilled, ejaculating with gratitude from every pore that we’re fortunate enough to live in this country, at this time in history, we’re angry.
Dead can dance: A modest proposal for improving supernatural TV; Thursday, Oct. 16, 2008; Halloween used to be the busy season for ghosts, but that was before reality TV. Now, every day of the year—or at least those days when cable shows like Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International and Most Haunted are airing—is go time for our supernatural kin.
Broken record: Guinness was once the touchstone of our culture; now it’s meaningless; Thursday, Oct. 9, 2008; At first glance, you might mistake Guinness World Records 2009 for a book-sized can of some energy drink.
America's got ... Paris?: There may be gold in them thar "Hills," but success stories like Terry Fator prove that talent still has its place; Thursday, Sept. 25, 2008; This is, after all, the reality TV era. If, like Brooke Hogan, you’re the daughter of a famous person, you get your own TV show. If, like Dina Lohan, you’re the mother of a famous person, you get your own TV show. If, like Kim Kardashian, you live in a city where a lot of famous people live and you have a giant ass, you get your own TV show.
Rose-colored glasses: Forget Palin's shortcomings as a running mate--who's going to play her in the movie?; Thursday, Sept. 11, 2008; n Minneapolis last week, as Sarah Palin introduced herself to the world, the 44-year-old governor of Alaska talked about her small-town values, and her life as a small-town hockey mom, and her experience as a small-town mayor.
Air apparent: In the age of pretending to play the guitar, attitude is everything; Thursday, Aug. 28, 2008; This month in Beijing, the planet’s greatest athletes sprinted, backstroked and pirouetted their way to glory and endorsement deals, thrilling billions around the world. In Oulu, Finland, the planet’s greatest air guitarists sprinted, backstroked and pirouetted their way to sore necks and sweaty semi-acclaim, momentarily amusing the hundreds of Finns who were on hand.
If Paris can do it...: Despite what McCain says, we do look for star power in our presidential candidates; Thursday, Aug. 14, 2008; In 2006, Paris Hilton was hot. By 2008, the former infotainment diversion had grown so tepid that clunky designer knockoff Perez Hilton was probably wishing he’d chosen a namesake with more staying power, like Taylor Hicks or Lonelygirl15. Then, in an attempt to undermine Barack Obama’s status as the “biggest celebrity in the world,” John McCain spiked his latest attack ad with random images of Hilton and fellow blond cupcake Britney Spears.
Waxing insignificant: Madame Tussauds makes us celebrate fame rather than the famous; Thursday, July 31, 2008; At the London headquarters of Madame Tussauds, the only place in the world where bloody decapitations and exacting facsimiles of Brad Pitt’s ass are presented as family entertainment, strange and gruesome spectacle is the norm. And yet even by its outlandish standards, the museum’s recent unveiling of a new Amy Winehouse automaton was surreal.
No country for old shoppers: Websites have made buying easier, but not necessarily better; Thursday, July 17, 2008; When was the last time you read a John Updike novel cover to cover in a single sitting? Or even a John Updike book jacket cover to cover in a single sitting? While dour eggheads are forever forecasting apocalypse borne of our infatuation with images over text, it should be obvious by now that reading is grossly overrated. For most people, bookstores are where you get lattes and Burt’s Bees sampler kits, and yet life just keeps getting better. In previous centuries, apparently, everyone was so engrossed in Paradise Lost they never got around to inventing the Internet, organic frozen dinners, reality TV. We haven’t made the same mistake.
Mystery is killed by the Web: But the Something Store restores suspense; Thursday, July 3, 2008; In the earliest days of e-commerce, it didn’t matter if you were ordering from a little old lady on eBay or a venture-funded start-up like Amazon or Webvan: Every transaction was a crapshoot. With a leap of faith, you clicked on the Order button and surrendered your mailing address and credit card number.
Pep talk: If energy drinks give you wings, why are so many of us crashing?; Thursday, June 19, 2008; If you think life was tough in the old days, when housewives prepared dinner using manual can openers instead of microwave ovens, when teens rode bikes to school instead of SUVs, when changing TV channels required a hike across the living room, consider this: Not only did the hearty folk of yesteryear have to endure such hardships, they did so without the benefit of energy drinks!
Must-see reform: Watch out—Hollywood has health care squarely in its sights; Thursday, June 5, 2008; For years, Hollywood celebrities have fought to keep us healthy by enjoying sumptuous $1,500-a-plate meals at lavish benefit galas, auctioning off their old shoes to the highest bidder and holding hands with each other and singing. Despite such efforts, however, cancer, heart disease and countless other ills continue to afflict us. Frustrated, no doubt, by their lack of progress, today’s most forward-thinking stars have decided that disease isn’t the real problem after all—the cure is. Thus, they’ve declared war on health care.
Porn free: The last bastion of smut—the hotel-room on-demand channel—may soon be a thing of the past; Thursday, May 22, 2008; The last bastion of smut—the hotel-room on-demand channel—may soon be a thing of the past.
Mock the vote: Move over, Britney and Lindsay - Hillary, Barack and McCain are taking over; Thursday, May 8, 2008; Lindsay Lohan hasn’t carjacked an SUV in months. Nicole Richie’s formerly extroverted clavicles have taken refuge behind a discreet veil of subcutaneous tissue.

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Greg Beato

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