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Nevada

25 lists about Jim Gibbons

A carefully researched, somewhat randomly organized, entirely satirical, often accurate assemblage of minutia on Nevada’s governor

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Photo: Steve Marcus

The Jim Gibbons resume as it relates to why our state barely taxes the booming mining industry

1. B.S. in geology from UNR

2. Master’s in mining/geology from the University of Nevada’s Mackay School of Mines

3. Has worked as a mining and exploration geologist and as a mining and water rights attorney in Nevada

4. Co-authored the Gibbons Tax Restraint Initiative in 1994, which requires a two-thirds super-majority to increase any state tax or implement new taxes.

5. In November 2005, co-authored an amendment to the Federal Budget Reconciliation Bill easing restrictions of sale of federal lands to mining companies.

Jim Gibbons as seen by Jim Rogers, chancellor of the Nevada System of Higher Education

1. "The man has absolutely no regard for the welfare of any other human being."

2. "Nevadans elected an executioner."

3. "He is simply a greedy, uninterested, unengaged human being whose only, and I mean only, goal is to see what Gibbons can do for himself and his greedy friends."

4. "He is no longer a governor—even a former governor."

Jim Gibbons’ five faves on his cell phone

1. Dawn Gibbons

2. The Republican Party

3. Jim Rogers

4. The County Assessor’s Office

5. Lawyers

Jim Gibbons’ favorite topics for his—well, not quite podcasts, but he calls them podcasts, so who are we to disagree?—podcasts

1. Attacking education

2. Yep, that’s pretty much it

The first five things you’ll pull out of Jim Gibbons’ dresser drawer

1. Turtleneck

2. Turtleneck

3. Turtleneck

4. Turtleneck

5. Tube socks—oops, no, another turtleneck

Turn-ons

1. Parking garages, but only if the cameras don’t show anything

2. Chopping school budgets

3. Texting

4. Women who look like Chrissy Mazzeo

Turn-offs

1. Taxes

2. Going to work

3. That damn media "buffoonery"

4. Women who remind him of

Dawn Gibbons

Favorite movie quotes

1. "Women—can’t live with ’em, can’t kill ’em!" (True Lies)

2. "I’m saying that when the president does it, that means it’s not illegal!" (Frost/Nixon)

3. "This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers!" (Clerks)

What Jim Gibbons does in front of the mirror in the morning

1. Brushes teeth

2. Shaves

3. Convinces himself he’s got a shot at re-election in 2010

Most frequent dishes

1. Steak

2. Pork

3. Crow

What’s on his iPod

1. "School’s Out"

2. "Alone Again (Naturally)"

3. "Working for the Weekend"

4. "D-I-V-O-R-C-E"

5. "Money for Nothing"

Reasons Jim Gibbons chose the daughter of Kathy Karrasch, the woman he was allegedly having an affair with, to sing the National Anthem at his state of the state address

1. He suffers from short-term

memory loss.

2. He suffers from short-term memory loss.

3. He’s just not that into the intelligence of the average Nevadan.

Reasons Kelsey Karrasch subsequently turned down the offer

1. She has access to the Internet.

2. She has common sense.

People who may not be voting for Jim Gibbons in 2010

1. Chrissy Mazzeo

2. Teachers

3. Doctors

4. Democrats

5. Large business owners

6. Employed

7. Unemployed

8. Registered voters

Reasons Jim Gibbons needed that property-tax break on 40 acres of land he owns in rural Nevada

1. He needed every penny for his legal defense fund.

2. Futons aren’t cheap.

3. Hey, those Caribbean cruises don’t pay for themselves! Well, unless they’re part of a payback in exchange for defense contracts, in which case they kinda do …

Excuses Jim Gibbons has offered for what could be considered inappropriate conduct with other women

1. "She couldn’t catch her breath. I put my arms around her."

2. "I put my arm around her shoulder. I was talking to her. I had to get close because I had to get over the noise of the crowd."

3. "My car ran out of gas."

4. "There was a hole in the popcorn bucket. I don’t know how it got there."

Jim Gibbons’ reasons why he plagiarized Alabama state Auditor Beth Chapman in a 2005 speech

1. He just hadn’t found his own identity yet.

2. He’d been at McCormick & Schmick’s the night before, and didn’t have time to prepare properly.

3. Whenever he uses his own stuff, people don’t applaud.

Jim Gibbons quotes through the years that, allegedly, were NOT plagiarized

1. "I don’t want to be a lonely governor."

2. "Gosh, I learned an important lesson, never to lend a helping hand to anyone again."

3. "I never knew this job had a time frame on it that requires me to be sitting behind a desk at a certain hour."

4. "If [there’s something that] takes the romance out of a friendship it’s being there when her child is born."

Things we can learn from Jim Gibbons

1. "Liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals" want to go to Iraq to be used as human shields—and we should buy them a ticket. (And part of that one WAS plagiarized!)

2. Even as the universe crumbles around you, do NOT raise taxes. Ever.

3. When the Wall Street Journal writes negative stories about you, remember—it’s the Democrats’ fault.

4. When it comes to commission appointments, procedure be damned!

Jim Gibbons’ to-do list

1. Take out garbage.

2. Get milk.

3. Deal with hepatitis C scare.

4. Acknowledge foreclosure crisis exists.

5. Save schools.

Jim Gibbons

Jim Gibbons’ favorite accessories

1. Turtlenecks, natch.

2. Do-rags, but only on cruises.

3. Flight suits.

4. Dawn Gibbons. (Well, up until last year, anyway.)

Reasons Jim Gibbons had to be sworn into office just past midnight

1. Terrorist threats.

2. Hey, time’s a wastin’! There’s commissioners to fire!

3. Couldn’t wait another day for the afterparty.

Jim Gibbons’ inspirations as governor

1. George W. Bush

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger

3. Mel Brooks’ William J. Lepetomane in Blazing Saddles

People who are more relevant than Jim Gibbons now that the Legislature is in session

1. Steven Horsford

2. Barbara Buckley

3. My barber

Things Jim Gibbons was too busy doing to attend his recent court case to defend himself against charges of assault

1. Trying to top his record of 850 texts in a month.

2. Catching up on Season 4 of Lost.

3. Throwing shoes on Facebook.

4. Raising money by agreeing NOT to speak at gatherings.

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