Nightlife glossary, 2009 edition
Thu, Sep 24, 2009 (midnight)
Illustration: Jerry Miller
What would the year be without Team Hangover’s annual contribution to the English language? Less eloquent, we’d imagine, and far less colorful. Therefore behold: this year’s admissions to the nightlife dictionary!
Autophotographism: The obvious result of a photo achieved by stretching your arm out and trying—usually unsuccessfully—not to shoot up your own nostrils.
Boytering: Lingering or loitering in the vicinity of a hot guy, hoping for scraps of attention. See also: utter, unabashed desperation.
B.P./A.P.: Literally, “Before Pure, After Pure”; a measurement of time relating to the opening of a club proceeding or following the arrival of the original modern mother ship, Pure Nightclub at Caesars.
Bread rack: More than a mere “muffin top” at the waist, her cups runneth over as well.
Cab ride o’ shame: The Vegas version of the college walk o’ shame. In lieu of a dorm room, you cab from the hotel where you hooked up back to the hotel where you left your car or are staying. Sure beats the DUI of shame, though.
Chairicade: A VIP section barricaded with chairs instead of ropes.
Compstitute: A person who will sink to any level of self-degradation to get comps or be the benefactor of a person who is receiving comps.
Dazed donut: Trying to make it through a hung-over day of work using any means possible, including carbs.
Douche uniform: Any combination of overpriced, rhinestoned T-shirts, $300 jeans and sunglasses at night.
Drama club (aka drama team): A group of overly dramatic people who demand undivided attention when clubbing. Good at putting on an act and improvising stories, though it only results in unnecessary commotion and attracting the attention of security. See also: big, fat liars.
Ear condoms: The intersection of sheer abandon and responsibility: You’re young enough to go clubbing on a Tuesday night, old enough to wear protection. See also: earplugs.
Fandelier: “Your biggest fan!” or he who hangs over the DJ’s shoulder while he or she is trying to spin, but only serves as an unnecessary and tacky distraction. See also: stalker or DJ whore.
Faux-friending: Becoming Facebook friends with somebody while at a club only to delete them later when sober.
Faux pa (aka sugar daddy): He’s old enough to be her father and yet he’s sooo in there. See also: relic.
Female-friendly: The business model that club-restaurants follow by serving food in portions so small as to prevent weight gain.
Flask dance: A flask dancer likes to display the secret stash in his inside breast pocket for all to see, as if to say, “Ooh, I’m a naughty boy! I should be spanked! No, really, spank me!”
The flauntlet: Walking straight past a nightclub’s admission line to the velvet ropes, possibly accompanied by a haughty toss of the head. “Throwing down the flauntlet”: publicly challenging the right of someone to bypass the line.
Golden ticket: A valid, over-21 Nevada ID carried by a female.
Grand opening: In reality, the official celebration of the opening of a new venue. But in the hands of a nightclub’s marketing department, can also be interchangeable with a pool’s season opener in the hopes of fooling the public.
Hired harem: A gaggle of girls employed to surround older men at events in an effort to reaffirm their relevance in the nightlife world. You know who you are …
Then-tertainment: “Bringing back the hits of yesteryear, give it up for Steel Panther/The Spazmatics/Yellow Brick Road/Purple Reign/Richard Cheese!”
Mash-hole: The DJ is playing electronic dance music and this guy wants to hear Top 40 mashups and hip-hop.
Midlife crisis: The 30 seconds between daylife and nightlife when absolutely nothing is happening.
Midwest’s best: Out-of-town clubbers wearing pressed flannel, their shiniest belt buckle and new Wranglers, the ladies among them rustling up old formal dresses complete with poofy sleeves.
Mockupation: “Well, hello there … I’m a doctor/lawyer/Navy Seal/accessories buyer for Gucci. May I buy you a drink, little lady?”
New ownership: A euphemism for getting busted by the state or county for any number of nightlife-related violations.
No-buddy: One who pretends to be your pal in an attempt to score a free drink from your VIP table. See also: bottle whore and sonofabitch.
Permadrunk: Someone who appears to be constantly intoxicated, or someone who never stops drinking and indeed is permanently inebriated.
Petri dish: Vegas pool-party water.
Premature evacuation: The next DJ has barely set down his laptop, and the opening guy is practically out the door; a breakdown in the relay-style handoff that should result in a smooth transition from DJ to DJ.
Pretend-cess: Girl who wears a tiara in a club, but it’s not her birthday, she isn’t getting married, and she didn’t just win some sort of contest.
Procreation determination: A penis on a mission; a man’s decision to frequent the clubs for the sole purpose of finding a baby mama.
Recession-buster: Boone’s Farm, Popov and an eBay account where former partiers spend lonely Saturday nights auctioning off Ed Hardy jeans for rent money.
Regifting: A black-sheep promoter who resells his or her comps on the sly and keeps the bounty.
Skankaroo: One who hops from bed to bed, hoping not to leave the next morning with something new in her pouch.
Supportination: When you run into a promoter whose party you had not planned to attend but are now bound to attend since he’s “counting on your support.” Antonym: insupportination (eh, you stay in anyway).
Slumpbuster: There hasn’t been any, ahem, sex in your city for some time ... This lucky individual has the unique distinction of putting an end to your unfortunate dry spell. (Contributed by David Garcia)
Soap opera: Uh, the nightlife industry …
Statue of Liberty: To walk through a crowded club holding a lit cigarette or cocktail hoisted high over one’s head so as not to burn and/or spill on anyone.
Tanorexic: Pasty people who avoid the sun at all costs. See also: Team Hangover.
Time in a bottle: The cocktail of over-40 males, ’80s night, bottle service and denial. See also: Fremont Street’s Summer of ’69 concert series.
Tenderfoot: A girl who walks barefoot from the club to her car because she can’t stand the pain of her high heels.
Tourist cooties: Germs brought in from around the world to Vegas, thus causing people in the industry to get sick all the time, especially after major holiday weekends.
Un-boyfriend/un-girlfriend: Not as casual as a friend with benefits, this is the person you exclusively spend time with, party with, do the dinner-and-a-movie thing with, chat daily with and roll in the hay with, yet neither confirms nor denies they’re in a relationship. (Contributed by Johnny Savage)
Zero tolerance policy: “This agency was not aware these illegal goings-on were, uh, going on so, uh, now that we do we’re going to make a dramatic, belated show of effort to distract you from the fact that we completely dropped the ball. Look over there! Flying monkeys!”