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Film

Excerpts from the diary of Jigsaw

Rick Stoeckel

Editor’s note: Perhaps surprisingly, Saw IV isn’t being screened for critics. Well, fine. We got our hands on something better than a review.

April 13

Have to think of some new tricks. I can’t use that jaw-ripping helmet trap again. People are beginning to say I’ve lost a step. I need to stay hip and relevant. What if I hook up a bomb to Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock? Maybe I’ll make some guy play the game, and when he chooses Bret Michaels as his in-game character, BOOM. Or I could use one of those Golden Tee arcade machines. If the person shoots over par, golf balls will dump on his head while 5-irons spring up and hit him in the crotch. I don’t know, maybe I’m trying too hard.

June 2

This morning a small kid threw his gum on the sidewalk, and I barely missed stepping in it. I wondered if I should cook up a deathtrap to teach him a lesson about littering. But is gum actually litter? Or does it just disintegrate? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure if you swallow it, it can get stuck in your intestines. Before I could decide what to do, someone from a passing car threw a soda can at my head. Definitely litter! That guy would be chained to a pipe and forced to saw off his own leg right now, but I couldn’t jot down the license plate in time.

July 27

Today I made a video for a victim, an alcoholic, whom I was trying to teach not to drink his life away. I had him all set up in the trap, and I push play on the VCR remote. Nothing. Apparently, I had forgotten to push record when I was taping earlier in the day. The guy was just sitting in his little deathtrap, staring at the blank videotape. I had to walk in and explain the situation. AWKWARD! I just let him leave and gave him some money to hit up a bar.

September 16

Little girls were jumping rope in front of my stoop. Need to teach them a moral lesson. When a person passes by and says excuse me, you don’t shout that he smells like mothballs and try to steal one of his slippers. Jerks!

October 8

I call the cops pretending to be a reporter. I ask what that handsome super-genius Jigsaw is up to. The cop laughs and says, Jigsaw is old news. Apparently, some new villain is out there named Sudoku who does these crazy, math-related deathtraps. What the hell is a Sudoku? Don’t people do freaking jigsaw puzzles anymore?

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