The Help Desk

The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Nov 5, 2009 (midnight)

Steve Wynn says in conference call with investors, “The landscape in Vegas is troubling.”
He then further shocked the group by revealing that water is wet and candy is sweet.
Nevada man charged with acting as attorney.
Hmmm ... wonder who’s going to represent this guy?
Swine flu forces change in UMC visitors policy.
The new policy is this: If you try to visit, you’re immediately sent for psychiatric evaluation, because you’re clearly insane.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Oct 29, 2009 (midnight)

Las Vegas ranks seventh on Forbes list of Best Cities to Retire In.
Proving once and for all that Forbes lists are a result of putting all cities in a hat and just choosing at random.
Casino employees sue over second-hand-smoke exposure.
Can we change our slogan to What Happens in Vegas Has Real-World Implications?
Holly Madison says she’d like to be city’s mayor.
Hate to break this to you, Holly, but with the caliber of mayor up to now ... you’re extremely qualified.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Oct 22, 2009 (midnight)

Unemployment in Las Vegas climbs to 13.9 percent.
We’re not saying it’s bad, but we just saw a guy in a suit offering to squeegee a homeless guy’s shopping cart.
UFL moves third Locomotives game back to Las Vegas.
To give the city another chance to totally blow it off.
Las Vegas DMV office reopens after discovery of something suspicious.
DMV officials had never seen it before: a smile.

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Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Tue, Oct 13, 2009 (5:49 p.m.)

Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray could face arrest after missing hearing about late child support.
He’s got a good excuse—he spent all his money on storage lockers and propofol.
Miss America Organization announces Rush Limbaugh as a national judge for 2010.
They want help in scoping out the next Republican vice-presidential candidate.
KVBC alleges rest of Las Vegas network affiliates sold their newscasts.
This whole thing got us so riled up, we had to take an Excedrin PM—it really works—and cuddle up in our Snuggie—only $19.95.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Oct 8, 2009 (midnight)

Judge issues arrest warrant for Roger Mayweather after he fails to show in court.
It was an honest mistake—Roger thought it was Floyd’s turn to show up in court.
New law makes it illegal to drink in city parks without a permit.
Oscar Goodman is just going to opt for the lifetime wristband.
Former pitcher Shawn Chacon wanted for allegedly writing three bad checks totalling $150,000 to casino.
We don’t know about you, but we’re shocked that a mediocre ex-baseball player would cheat.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Sep 24, 2009 (midnight)

Floyd Mayweather Jr. defeats Juan Manuel Marquez.
Fight fans enjoying UFC 103 ask, “Who and who?”
Las Vegas-Anaheim maglev train proposal to finally get $5 million in federal funds.
Awesome! Now it’s one step closer to never happening.
Heidi Fleiss forced to close pet-grooming business.
Residents complained after Charlie Sheen started taking his dogs there.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Sep 17, 2009 (midnight)

La Toya Jackson in danger of losing Las Vegas house to foreclosure, owing $745,670 in unpaid mortgage.
Yeah, that La Toya impersonator on the Strip? That’s REALLY La Toya!
Survey finds Nevada residents prefer cremation.
Second most popular choice was being buried alive in debt.
Las Vegas sees spike in weddings for 9-9-09.
Divorce lawyers see record spikes on 9-10-09 as well.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Sep 10, 2009 (midnight)

Las Vegas Police hold planning seminar for neighborhoods facing rising crime due to foreclosures.
Criminals hoping for empty homes were very appreciative of the heads-up.
Harry Reid spokesman says the senator wasn’t being serious when he told the Review-Journal, “I hope you go out of business.”
Just like when he told his constituency, “I hope we reform health care in a meaningful way.”
Mayor Oscar Goodman renews wedding vows.
Hey, the guy’s happily married—plus, he discovered that term limits apply to his marriage, too.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Sep 3, 2009 (midnight)

Police seize two handguns and two bulletproof vests from Floyd Mayweather’s home following shooting allegations.
Hey, sometimes paintball games just get out of hand.
Rapper Too Short arrested in Vegas on DUI and possession of marijuana.
Driving drunk with weed? Maybe this guy needs to change his name to 2 Stupid 2 Live.
Nebraska philanthropist claims he had “immunity” from criminal charges over $15 million in gambling debts at two casinos.
Because philanthropic work sometimes requires you to gamble with money you don’t have.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Aug 27, 2009 (midnight)

Lawsuit alleges builders used defective Chinese drywall in some Las Vegas neighborhoods.
Thank goodness no one owns a house in Las Vegas anymore.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid trails GOP challenger by 11 points in recent poll.
Reid already working up a strategy to deal with this problem in a completely ineffectual way.
Chinese tout the quality of their products at Las Vegas trade show.
Well, the quality of everything except drywall, we’re guessing.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Aug 20, 2009 (midnight)

Floyd Mayweather says mixed martial arts “is for animals and beer drinkers.”
He went on to say that boxing “is for people who have been on desert islands and have never heard of mixed martial arts.”
Floyd Mayweather to host WWE Raw in Las Vegas next week.
We don’t know about the rest of you, but we’re really starting to trust this Mayweather guy’s judgment.
Kiss planning to bring Cirque du Soleil-style show to Las Vegas.
O was taken, so the show will be called OLD.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Aug 13, 2009 (midnight)

Michael Jackson’s Neverland may be dismantled and moved to Las Vegas as a tourist attraction.
Yeah, this is a ridiculous idea, but be honest—you’re really looking forward to seeing the “sleepover room,” aren’t you?
New ads encourage California businesses to relocate to Las Vegas.
It’s all part of the “It’s slightly less crappy here” campaign.
Chanel sues Las Vegas-based company for allegedly selling counterfeit goods.
Has anyone from Chanel been to New York-New York? Venetian? Paris? Everything’s counterfeit here!

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Aug 6, 2009 (midnight)

Some Las Vegas ATMs allegedly debiting people’s accounts but not handing out cash.
Residents were slow to report the problem because they’re used to putting their money in machines and getting nothing back.
Las Vegas Sands seeks to raise $400 million to ease cash crunch.
The first part of the plan is the trickiest—finding 400 million homes to sell.
Michael Jackson’s doctor renting a storage facility in Las Vegas.
It might never have been found, but the doctor rented from “U-Store-Incriminating-Evidence.”

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Jul 30, 2009 (midnight)

North Las Vegas police officer arrested on credit-card fraud charges also had expired driver’s license and was using a stolen license plate.
Note to future criminals: If you’re fraudulently using a credit card, at LEAST use it to renew your driver’s license and get some new plates!
Las Vegas housing supply hits three-year low.
It’s not that more homes are selling—they’re just being given away free when you super-size.
Local governments spent $3.2 million of public money lobbying the Nevada Legislature this year.
Yep, we can’t give our kids a decent education, but at least our lobbyists are safe.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Jul 23, 2009 (midnight)

Las Vegas personal injury lawyer sentenced to five years in prison on tax evasion charges.
Odds are he’ll know much more about personal injury by then.
Unemployment rate in Las Vegas rises to 12.3 percent.
No wonder Jim Gibbons is hiding out in Iraq.
MGM official describes Las Vegas economy as “bouncing along a bottom.”
Making it the first time a sentence with the words “bouncing” and “bottom” has NOT turned us on.

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A&E

Cirque reveals City Center show will be named “Viva ELVIS”
Today Cirque du Soleil revealed that the new show opening in December at Aria Resort & Casino at City Center will be titled Viva ELVIS.
Time to go for Wayne Newton?
Newton could be a great host of a Vegas variety show. But he prefers to keep his show focused on his singing and not on his legacy. The result is sad.
A Perfecto Halloween makeover
What’s blue and purple, nearly naked and doesn’t move for five hours? Weekly writer Deanna Rilling undergoing an otherworldly transformation.

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Cocktail of the Week

Cocktail of the Week Nov 5, 2009
by Xania Woodman

Beergarita

It was quite by happenstance that I came upon the beergarita, or perhaps it found me. I was blissfully unaware of the house-party staple’s existence until two glasses literally put ...
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